Disconnected thoughts

In the space between the in and out of your breathing machine, I hear
the sound of What Love Is.

I beg you to open your eyes; you squeeze them tighter.
Your hand is still in mine.

I pace the halls and wonder, which one of us is really dying? Which
one of us is already dead?

One foot in front of the other, back and forth, the dying and the dead.

Thursday (I think)

Just ate the greasiest breakfast in the history of time. Oh Texas.

I only leave her room for the three hours she gets her blood
treatment, because you know how I am about blood treatments.

Things are looking a bit better from yesterday, there is nothing to do
but wait and hope at this point, which is a horrible place to be in.

You hope you win the lottery. You hope the train is on time. You hope
that H&M has that coat in your size.
You don't hope that your mom magically wakes up and doesn't die.
And really what I mean by that is, I feel like this should be pinned
to something beyond just hope.

She's been in the ICU for over a week now. She has 9 different
doctors. This is the year 2008, where we can clone things and shoot
rich people into space and repair cleft palates and whiten teeth
overnight. So why in the fuck can't someone fix this? It's not cancer,
it's not AIDS, it's not any obscure and uncureable disease.
I just don't get it, and unfortunately, it seems like there are no
answers to be had.

Hanging in there..

It definitely speaks volumes about my roots/upbringing that my idea of
comfort food is chips & salsa, chile rellenos, enchiladas suizas,
tacos and margaritas. Preferably served on a plastic table with tejano
playing in the background.

i went to the hospital

my mom isn't doing well.

and that is all there is be said.

Home, again.

Somewhere between NY and GA I realized I've done more flying in the
last 8 months than I have in the last 8 years.

It's almost 6 here; I've been on a place since 9:40 (cst) this
morning. The night is typical Texas winter... Cloudy, cool, a bit of a
breeze. From the morning I left up north, though, this is shorts and
tank top weather (a fellow traveler who must be a first-timer is
echoing my sentiments loudly nearby). It's lovely, even if the reason
I'm seeing it is horrible.

My mom isn't doing well, in fact I found out yesterday she isn't even
considered stable. I got on the very first plane I possibly could, I
didn't pack, I didn't brush my teeth, I didn't do anything except fill
a backpack with things to do at the hospital.

I somewhat optimistically booked a return flight for Thursday.
Hopefully I'll be able to make it, and return to new york with good
news.

Oh sweet tree

Last night was a bizarre girls' night out that included jess, a drunk
andrea and a random punk girl. We went to wmsburg, which I'm ashamed
to admit I'm kinda falling in love with.
It was a good (if early) night, and on my way home I was on the L with
Kristen Schaal, fuck yes.
At like 3 am a drunken lesbian and her friend scared the shit out of
me by crawling into my bed, and it was so much like 2003 that I
thought I was dreaming. (I wasn't)

Yes, I AM making fun of you!

We were excited to find out that the $3 we had this morning has
suddenly become $10!
Where oh where to spend it? We want salty pistachio soft serve from
Momofuku Bakery + Milk Bar, but instead we're going to be responsible...

...and spend it on booze.

Just when things weren't sucking..

So as I was trapped on a W train on my way to work this am, I got a
call from my mom's bf, informing me he had taken her to the hospital.

He's old and kind of confused himself, so he couldn't actually give me
ANY information, just that it was something related to either her
pancreas or gallstones. Or something. Maybe.

I've become one of those people who doesn't trust hospitals.

It wasn't the time they put an IV in my arm incorrectly and refused to
take it out until my arm had doubled in size, nor was it the time they
fucked up my surgery leaving me with a painful infection and scar
tissue. It wasn't even the time I was turned away from emergency care
I needed for being unable to pay.

It was when my friend Wally went in feeling unwell only to find out he
had leukemia, and was given a positive diagnosis and high probability
of beating it, and then was dead from a heart attack less than twelve
hours later.

So when I get news like this, even if the outlook is maybe not so
grim, all I can think of is: is this it?

"if you can read this, it's because my fucking sweater fell off."

Ok, first of all, I feel like I've already written about this for like
5 posts too many. Oh well.

Pretty much the exact same thing happened to A on Monday, except she
received a verbose and slightly dramatic email in place of a text.
Same sentiment, though.

So after commiserating in typical BFF style (what the fuck, how lame,
what a loser, omg) and a giggly conversation reimagining our
respective responses to both boys, we came to the conclusion they
actually kind of did us a favor.

We also both decided that the concept of internet dating, by it's very
nature, caters to introverted people with no social skills.

She's going to join me on my quest for good Thai, and until we meet
someone worthwhile in this city, we'll always have each other-- and
late nights spent laughing at CL casual encounters posts.

...WHAT?!

It can't all be wedding cake...

Oh, Spoon.

We used to exist in the same space, and I almost ran Britt over with
my car like 3 seperate times (his fault twice, mine once). When they
started "getting big" and everyone and their mom liked them, I
pretended to hate them just for the fuck of it. I used to (true story)
kick Britt in the shins every time I saw him at a club/party.

Now I whenever I listen to them (even the new album) I get that warm
nostalgic feeling inside for the Austin that used to be, and it feels
a bit like going home.

Also, some unrelated notes:
To men on dating sites everywhere:
If you are doughy, pudgy, chunky, or heavy-set, do NOT select the word
"athletic" to describe your body type. If you're too insecure to just
check "fat", then leave it blank, yo.
To s.: quit being so adorable!
To the MTA: you're ruining my life!!!

N train, on the way to work

My two favorite recent quotes:
A: Well, never trust a guy with two first names.
J: I don't know, it sounds like this guy sucks cocks on purpose.

I dreamed last night about eating a ton of vegetables, which I think
is clearly a cry for help from my body. My diet lately has pretty much
been alcohol and espresso, with an occasional sandwich thrown in. I'm
dying to go back to macrobiotics for a bit, but the holiday season is
the absolute worst time for that! Oh well, soon.

I've also realized that perhaps it's too soon after certain awful
things happened to me (s'only been a month, after all) to try and
start dating, even casually. I think I'm more damaged than
I'm aware of and need to figure that out first.
Which is ok, because that means I can focus allllllll my energy on
finding a favorite Thai restaurant, and also more burger and dive bar
research for cody's visit.

I'd like to conclude by saying that having to get off the train during
peak hours of a market day is up there in my least favorite things of
all time.

tree sellers

there's always a silver (or funny) lining:

on the way home from moping downtown, L and I make several stops:

1. the dollar store, where "they say you should watch out for your valuables, and I kinda believe it."

2. the apple store, in search of a certain David Simpson, whom no one has ever heard of (though I swear he exists)

3. rite aid- THEY DO NOT SELL GLITTER.

4. the christmas tree guys on the corner, with whom i immediately make friends. their names are olivier and gabe, they are only here for the month from Montreal and they are taking shifts sleeping in a van parked on the corner. they try to sell us two trees and ask if they can use our shower. of course we say yes. L says to me, "this is why I love you, because you meet the guys who sell christmas trees and get their whole life stories."

Equal parts amused and confused

After a very significant event occured last night, I woke up excited
for a coffee and movie date. Unfortunately, I suppose the day would
have been better spent downloading music in my pajamas at home...

Things went well enough (or so I thought) and then I get a text
message an hour later informing me that despite our "intense sexual
chemistry" it just wasn't "there [for him] to date". WTF? I guess I'm
lucky I got any kind of notice at all, but I'm seriously confused.

What more is there to "dating" besides either having sexual chemistry
or not? Am I missing something? Was I expected to make him fall in
love with me instantly over iced lattes and James Bond? Were we
already expected to have a relationship beyond being flirty and
getting to know each other? What's wrong with just casually hanging
out? We didn't even discuss anything of substance, how does he know me well enough to make that call anyway?

And IF he was feeling this way the whole time, exactly WHAT was the
point of kissing me fiercely at the train station, of asking if I'd be
available for hanging out later? Why not just an awkward hug, a
mumbled goodbye, or at least the classic: "maybe i'll see you around."
good lord, I would have even preferred a nice "it's not you, it's me"
to this mixed-signal-fuckery. Butttttttt, anyway.

I would say that this sucks, but I don't think that's fair of me, for two reasons:
A. Thanks to certain mutual friends, I knew to expect this from him to
begin with.
-and-
B. This is what I wanted, after all, the ups and the downs; the whole
experience. And honestly, I feel a bit rejected, yes, but mostly I'm
just relieved. As in, thank god THAT'S over with. Ok, what's next?

I'm consoling myself with momofuku bakery, t.rex, pommes frites (the
site of the epic porn-for-fries trade), eagles of death metal and
whisky in the EV.

Which, luckily for me, has the highest concentration of beautiful
people of any other neighborhood in manhattan.

The night is cold but also young, and I swear to god I just saw the
hands of the clock move ever so slightly backwards.

hah

So, I wonder out of the 25 times my profile has been viewed, how many times was it me? 

Such a narcissist!

"I was a nerd... A party nerd."

At 7b last night, when S gave me this look out of the corner of his
eye, all at once it all made sense. He looks like F, he talks like F,
he moves like F, he likes the same music and has the same hobbies.
Which was a strange realization, because if I'm really over it (I am)
and if it wasn't that great to begin with (it wasn't), then why I am I
still looking for him, even in the most subconcious way?
Ah, whatever. Figuring this out made me get over it, which is probably
the best idea I've had yet.

In my wandering last night, I ended up in a place I shouldn't have
been, a place I definitely shouldn't have been alone in the dark. I
handled it ok, though, all by myself, and felt good about it later. A
lot of things that used to make me tremble now just make me sick,
funny how that works. I'm sure that one day, instead of making me
sick, they will just make me laugh. That day will be awesome.

No one belongs here more that you

I clearly have a lot on my mind today!

My recent bad habits mean that I've now lost enough weight that all of
my clothes just slightly don't fit; not enough to justify buying new
ones, but more than enough to be annoying.

I'm exploring TriBeCa on what feels like the most still and quiet
Saturday evening that has ever happened. Maybe it's just the
neighborhood?
I walk past a diner and a busboy smiles and waves at me through the
glass, like I'm his friend, and I smile and wave back because that's
exactly the kind of random shit I love to do.

Espresso and Miranda July at a nice cafe on Greenwich, then back out
into a night that will most surely involve dancing.

Taking heartache with hard work

The only good thing about having to go to work so early in the cold is
that there are cheese grits and espresso waiting for me when I get
there.

Last night was Beaujolais at hicks st, followed by Guiness at abilene.
It was good to see A and swap stories of homesickness. He delivered a
fabulous birthday present all the way from Austin, which I love and
can't wait to hang up at home.

Tonight I have vague plans with andrea, k and pnb, who are quite
unexpectedly becoming much-loved friends.

I've been thinking a lot about that concept lately: how when you meet
someone, you never know what they are going to end up meaning to you.
You could casually be introduced to someone at a show only to have
that person later become your best friend.

It's fascinating, and lovely, to later find out what the important
days are.

The match of the century: absence vs. thin air

Ohhh, 27. Dinner with friends, shots of whisky at king's head tavern,
glasses (and door frames) broken at beauty bar. Questionable decisions
were made, and not just by me. S leans close while dancing and says
"if this is gonna continue, you have to accept the fact that I'm tall"
and confuses me all night.
Thanksgiving was made up of a giant hangover... It felt kind of sad to
not be cooking a fantastic meal for the first time in four years, but
maybe I needed the break. Ash invited me to family dinner at chestnut,
and as much as I wanted to go, I couldn't make it.
Work has been good, and I have a lot going on in the coming weeks. On
my way to Brooklyn now for what will surely be good times. The only
thing that would make this week more rock-and-roll is if there were
actual drugs involved!

My two pieces of advice for life are:
1. Never send naked pictures of yourself to ANYONE
and
2. Always have a plan B.

My plan B frequently involves going to brooklyn. Maybe I should start
making it plan A!

Feeling good

I wonder exactly how many times s. Meyer listened to "feeling good" by
muse while writing twilight.

Speaking of, I'm turning 27 in an epic way... Started the day off with
radiohead and mimosas, now on my way to see movie of aforementioned
book.

Letting go, part 1 of 3: a letter

Dear sir,

I've had a lot of time to think about things. About the situation in
general, about everything that was said or not said, about your
actions and mine. (I wanted to actually write and send this to you
before I realized it wouldn't make a difference really, and also I
don't owe you anything, not even the courtesy of hate mail.)
I think you are the very worst kind of person, and you don't deserve
any of the small amount of happiness or friends that you have.
I'm sorry I ever met you; I'm definitely sorry I cared about you, and
I hope I never see you again. I don't even want to hear your name. You
are worse than dead to me: you don't even exist.
What you don't yet realize is that this city is mine. This is the
world I absolutely belong in. You may have almost succeeded in taking
that away, but I'm better than you, stronger than you. I won't let you
destroy me.

This will be the last time you are spoken of. good luck being
miserable, asshole.

It occurred to me during a particularly bleary-eyed train ride the
other morning that I've never actually dated. I'm not counting the
string of "friends" I had in my early twenties... It was all about sex
and that was fine at that time. But I've never actually done this
whole dating thing.. I've either been in a relationship or I haven't.
There's been none of the obsessing over who should call first or when.
None of the exchanging flirty messages via dating websites and trying
to decide if x boy is worth meeting in real life. None of the casual,
let's-just-hang-out-to-see-if-I-actually-like-you meetings for drinks/
coffee.
So that also means I haven't experienced the other side, like what if
the boy you've been furiously texting for two weeks flakes on plans
twice and then is never heard from again?
What if you meet someone you like, but they are somehow damaged? What
do you do?
So I think I decided, in the spirit of enjoying all of the experiences
of life, I'm just going to casually date for awhile and see what it's
like.
Oh who am I kidding, it probably sucks.

Starting to feel better (maybe). Still having nightmares every single
night and still jumping at every noise, every shadow, but functioning
almost at a normal level again. Got a bed and some furniture and that
really helped a gigantic amount. I feel more at home, which is
important.
Things are coming together at work and that has been a big help also.
It's easy for me to focus on, and working so hard has really been
wearing me out, which is ok.
I still definitely need to get some help, to talk to a professional,
but right now i'm in such a headspace that I'm having trouble even
forming thoughts about what happened, let alone words. I guess that's
forgiveable for right now. I've gotten to the point where I forget he
even exists, and then I see his name somewhere and get creeped out all
over again... But I don't know if that will ever go away.
As long as I don't see him, and I don't think I will, I should be ok.

So

It finally happened.
Last night coming home from bumming around Astoria all day, I was
standing at the corner of the bqe and steinway and I felt it, I knew,
that this feeling I have for this city is no mere crush, but real and
true love.
I almost started crying with happiness as I crossed the highway,
headed home.

Day off

Since I've been "sick", I've been putting off a lot of the things that
need to be done, which all unfortunately culminate in a quite busy day
off for me. Haircut, post office, kinkos, paint store, library instead
of a late lunch at triskell followed by central park and a movie, le
sigh.

So when I moved to Austin, I took great pride and comfort in the
Capitol, for whatever reason. I spent many a lonely and sick night
sitting in it's shadow, and it always made me feel better. It never
let me down.
In new york, a city of countless beautiful buildings and famous
landmarks, that hole is filled for me by the Flatiron building. More
than the Empire State building, more than the Chrysler building, the
Flatiron says to me "it's gonna be ok, because you are here, and you
are home."
Luckily I work in lower midtown (or upper downtown, as my boss likes
to call it) and get to walk past it twice a day. Never gets old.

I'm sitting in Madison square park right now, underneath a foggy,
misty sky. There is some kind of weird light art thing going on, and
it's just kind of gorgeous and autumn all around.

In case my earlier posts weren't a clue, someone I considered a good
friend took advantage of me in the worst possible way, and now I have
that pain and turmoil to deal with on top of everything else. The
repercussions of this have yet to be fully realized, and with each
passing day things seem to get more and more fucked up.

Even now, though, at the very worst and hardest time of my life since
F, I can feel the city humming within me; slowly, methodically
stitching me up.

Who named the days?

Piece by piece, I cut you out of my heart.
Now I am reclaiming everything that is mine. Astoria park, the
hellgate, the village, trembling blue stars.
I finally picked up the pile of clothes and washed everything that
smelled like you.
I may have let you break me, but I won't spend a single second more
crying over you or wishing things were different. You're most
definitely going to die alone and sad and that's the best revenge I
could hope for. However, congratulations are in order: you made it to
#4 on my top 5 list of biggest cocksuckers of all time, and I've only
known you since September.

...now if I only had the balls to say all this to your face.

Sooooo my life right now:

1. I love you. I never hurt you on purpose.
2. I don't care.
1. Whatever happens in the end, I don't wanna lose you as my friend.
2. I promise, I will never be your friend. No matter what. Ever.

Law of the Universe #16

If you draw a skull and crossbones on your hand and fall asleep, you
will wake up with a skull and crossbones on your face.
Then you will walk down to the post office and wonder why everyone is
staring at you.

My brain is the weak heart; my heart is the long stairs

I fell apart. It was NY that swept me up, put me back together.
The past week has been dizzying; cupcakes and good times in
Williamsburg, the first real sign of autumn, long walks around the
village, falling asleep on the couch, new friends, etc etc.
Oh city, I'm so sorry I doubted you, if even for a second.

damaged bad at best

Oh, I always want to listen to the Microphones around this time of year. Unfortunately I'm without real live computer access, so I have to make due with the Back to Black (winehouse) and Z (mmj) that I have on my iphone.

It's been a rough three weeks.

I've had two-- that's right, two!-- nervous breakdowns this week.

Just trying to be a good-hearted and healthy, whole adult human being, and am discovering bit by bit that perhaps I don't have the equipment?

now there's acid in my heart

So I made my first New York mistake.
Congratulations, it was you.

Law #16

When having a tough time in life, go to a fabulous party.

you won't get hurt if you just keep your hands up

The weeks no longer hold seven shapes and names,
there is only the with you and without you;
the before i met you and the after.

Oh wow, the stewardess just said "Welcome to Hotlanta."

"You are the hottest mess I've ever seen!" - Cody

Headed home

Woke up feeling nothing, just a certain emptiness. And the strong
desire to see my city from the sky.

funeral

on the way home, radiohead's "all I need" is playing on the car stereo and I lean out the window to touch the grass waving on the side of the road. the moon is a thin crescent; the night is clear. i feel anything but sad.