Disconnected thoughts

In the space between the in and out of your breathing machine, I hear
the sound of What Love Is.

I beg you to open your eyes; you squeeze them tighter.
Your hand is still in mine.

I pace the halls and wonder, which one of us is really dying? Which
one of us is already dead?

One foot in front of the other, back and forth, the dying and the dead.

Thursday (I think)

Just ate the greasiest breakfast in the history of time. Oh Texas.

I only leave her room for the three hours she gets her blood
treatment, because you know how I am about blood treatments.

Things are looking a bit better from yesterday, there is nothing to do
but wait and hope at this point, which is a horrible place to be in.

You hope you win the lottery. You hope the train is on time. You hope
that H&M has that coat in your size.
You don't hope that your mom magically wakes up and doesn't die.
And really what I mean by that is, I feel like this should be pinned
to something beyond just hope.

She's been in the ICU for over a week now. She has 9 different
doctors. This is the year 2008, where we can clone things and shoot
rich people into space and repair cleft palates and whiten teeth
overnight. So why in the fuck can't someone fix this? It's not cancer,
it's not AIDS, it's not any obscure and uncureable disease.
I just don't get it, and unfortunately, it seems like there are no
answers to be had.

Hanging in there..

It definitely speaks volumes about my roots/upbringing that my idea of
comfort food is chips & salsa, chile rellenos, enchiladas suizas,
tacos and margaritas. Preferably served on a plastic table with tejano
playing in the background.

i went to the hospital

my mom isn't doing well.

and that is all there is be said.

Home, again.

Somewhere between NY and GA I realized I've done more flying in the
last 8 months than I have in the last 8 years.

It's almost 6 here; I've been on a place since 9:40 (cst) this
morning. The night is typical Texas winter... Cloudy, cool, a bit of a
breeze. From the morning I left up north, though, this is shorts and
tank top weather (a fellow traveler who must be a first-timer is
echoing my sentiments loudly nearby). It's lovely, even if the reason
I'm seeing it is horrible.

My mom isn't doing well, in fact I found out yesterday she isn't even
considered stable. I got on the very first plane I possibly could, I
didn't pack, I didn't brush my teeth, I didn't do anything except fill
a backpack with things to do at the hospital.

I somewhat optimistically booked a return flight for Thursday.
Hopefully I'll be able to make it, and return to new york with good
news.

Oh sweet tree

Last night was a bizarre girls' night out that included jess, a drunk
andrea and a random punk girl. We went to wmsburg, which I'm ashamed
to admit I'm kinda falling in love with.
It was a good (if early) night, and on my way home I was on the L with
Kristen Schaal, fuck yes.
At like 3 am a drunken lesbian and her friend scared the shit out of
me by crawling into my bed, and it was so much like 2003 that I
thought I was dreaming. (I wasn't)

Yes, I AM making fun of you!

We were excited to find out that the $3 we had this morning has
suddenly become $10!
Where oh where to spend it? We want salty pistachio soft serve from
Momofuku Bakery + Milk Bar, but instead we're going to be responsible...

...and spend it on booze.

Just when things weren't sucking..

So as I was trapped on a W train on my way to work this am, I got a
call from my mom's bf, informing me he had taken her to the hospital.

He's old and kind of confused himself, so he couldn't actually give me
ANY information, just that it was something related to either her
pancreas or gallstones. Or something. Maybe.

I've become one of those people who doesn't trust hospitals.

It wasn't the time they put an IV in my arm incorrectly and refused to
take it out until my arm had doubled in size, nor was it the time they
fucked up my surgery leaving me with a painful infection and scar
tissue. It wasn't even the time I was turned away from emergency care
I needed for being unable to pay.

It was when my friend Wally went in feeling unwell only to find out he
had leukemia, and was given a positive diagnosis and high probability
of beating it, and then was dead from a heart attack less than twelve
hours later.

So when I get news like this, even if the outlook is maybe not so
grim, all I can think of is: is this it?

"if you can read this, it's because my fucking sweater fell off."

Ok, first of all, I feel like I've already written about this for like
5 posts too many. Oh well.

Pretty much the exact same thing happened to A on Monday, except she
received a verbose and slightly dramatic email in place of a text.
Same sentiment, though.

So after commiserating in typical BFF style (what the fuck, how lame,
what a loser, omg) and a giggly conversation reimagining our
respective responses to both boys, we came to the conclusion they
actually kind of did us a favor.

We also both decided that the concept of internet dating, by it's very
nature, caters to introverted people with no social skills.

She's going to join me on my quest for good Thai, and until we meet
someone worthwhile in this city, we'll always have each other-- and
late nights spent laughing at CL casual encounters posts.

...WHAT?!

It can't all be wedding cake...

Oh, Spoon.

We used to exist in the same space, and I almost ran Britt over with
my car like 3 seperate times (his fault twice, mine once). When they
started "getting big" and everyone and their mom liked them, I
pretended to hate them just for the fuck of it. I used to (true story)
kick Britt in the shins every time I saw him at a club/party.

Now I whenever I listen to them (even the new album) I get that warm
nostalgic feeling inside for the Austin that used to be, and it feels
a bit like going home.

Also, some unrelated notes:
To men on dating sites everywhere:
If you are doughy, pudgy, chunky, or heavy-set, do NOT select the word
"athletic" to describe your body type. If you're too insecure to just
check "fat", then leave it blank, yo.
To s.: quit being so adorable!
To the MTA: you're ruining my life!!!

N train, on the way to work

My two favorite recent quotes:
A: Well, never trust a guy with two first names.
J: I don't know, it sounds like this guy sucks cocks on purpose.

I dreamed last night about eating a ton of vegetables, which I think
is clearly a cry for help from my body. My diet lately has pretty much
been alcohol and espresso, with an occasional sandwich thrown in. I'm
dying to go back to macrobiotics for a bit, but the holiday season is
the absolute worst time for that! Oh well, soon.

I've also realized that perhaps it's too soon after certain awful
things happened to me (s'only been a month, after all) to try and
start dating, even casually. I think I'm more damaged than
I'm aware of and need to figure that out first.
Which is ok, because that means I can focus allllllll my energy on
finding a favorite Thai restaurant, and also more burger and dive bar
research for cody's visit.

I'd like to conclude by saying that having to get off the train during
peak hours of a market day is up there in my least favorite things of
all time.

tree sellers

there's always a silver (or funny) lining:

on the way home from moping downtown, L and I make several stops:

1. the dollar store, where "they say you should watch out for your valuables, and I kinda believe it."

2. the apple store, in search of a certain David Simpson, whom no one has ever heard of (though I swear he exists)

3. rite aid- THEY DO NOT SELL GLITTER.

4. the christmas tree guys on the corner, with whom i immediately make friends. their names are olivier and gabe, they are only here for the month from Montreal and they are taking shifts sleeping in a van parked on the corner. they try to sell us two trees and ask if they can use our shower. of course we say yes. L says to me, "this is why I love you, because you meet the guys who sell christmas trees and get their whole life stories."

Equal parts amused and confused

After a very significant event occured last night, I woke up excited
for a coffee and movie date. Unfortunately, I suppose the day would
have been better spent downloading music in my pajamas at home...

Things went well enough (or so I thought) and then I get a text
message an hour later informing me that despite our "intense sexual
chemistry" it just wasn't "there [for him] to date". WTF? I guess I'm
lucky I got any kind of notice at all, but I'm seriously confused.

What more is there to "dating" besides either having sexual chemistry
or not? Am I missing something? Was I expected to make him fall in
love with me instantly over iced lattes and James Bond? Were we
already expected to have a relationship beyond being flirty and
getting to know each other? What's wrong with just casually hanging
out? We didn't even discuss anything of substance, how does he know me well enough to make that call anyway?

And IF he was feeling this way the whole time, exactly WHAT was the
point of kissing me fiercely at the train station, of asking if I'd be
available for hanging out later? Why not just an awkward hug, a
mumbled goodbye, or at least the classic: "maybe i'll see you around."
good lord, I would have even preferred a nice "it's not you, it's me"
to this mixed-signal-fuckery. Butttttttt, anyway.

I would say that this sucks, but I don't think that's fair of me, for two reasons:
A. Thanks to certain mutual friends, I knew to expect this from him to
begin with.
-and-
B. This is what I wanted, after all, the ups and the downs; the whole
experience. And honestly, I feel a bit rejected, yes, but mostly I'm
just relieved. As in, thank god THAT'S over with. Ok, what's next?

I'm consoling myself with momofuku bakery, t.rex, pommes frites (the
site of the epic porn-for-fries trade), eagles of death metal and
whisky in the EV.

Which, luckily for me, has the highest concentration of beautiful
people of any other neighborhood in manhattan.

The night is cold but also young, and I swear to god I just saw the
hands of the clock move ever so slightly backwards.

hah

So, I wonder out of the 25 times my profile has been viewed, how many times was it me? 

Such a narcissist!