I think it's time I stop pretending you didn't break my heart.

A friend told me a story once, about a girl he worked with but didn't like. She had given notice, and on her last shift she casually leaned over and whispered to him: I hope I never see you again.

Someday I might see you around, and I might sidle up to whisper: You were never my friend.

you and whose army?

man, I almost deleted that last post today. in the morning light it seemed maybe a tad too personal for this here internet. but you know what, F*** it. I'll leave it up.

I got off work early due to rain and decided to just make it a night in. I stopped at my favorite wine store to stock up and they were rocking Amnesiac, which I haven't listened to in ages but seemed gloriously apropos.

You see. I'm feeling a bit strange these days. Turning 30 this fall, what does it all mean, blah blah blah. Memories are becoming vague, if they ever even happened to begin with.

Also, people are getting married left and right these days. I am thinking of two boys specifically this evening, one of whom I'd like to say congratulations to but I'm too scared to even say happy birthday. The more I try to wave a white flag, the more awkward things become.

We had a conversation in the fall that I'm pretty sure was important, but many shots of whiskey had been taken and I regretfully don't remember it. I just hope I represented myself correctly, and I hope they both know the only thing about this particular triangle that gets me down is that I seem to have lost two friends.

The other boy I'm not too mixed up about. It was what it was, and it was a long time ago. I just saw a random firework explode through a crack in my curtains on this rainy evening, and it reminded me of another time in history when I hurried to meet you in the dead of a January night, and a single firework exploded in my rearview mirror just as I glanced up to see it.

"if you can read this, it's because my fucking sweater fell off."

Ok, first of all, I feel like I've already written about this for like
5 posts too many. Oh well.

Pretty much the exact same thing happened to A on Monday, except she
received a verbose and slightly dramatic email in place of a text.
Same sentiment, though.

So after commiserating in typical BFF style (what the fuck, how lame,
what a loser, omg) and a giggly conversation reimagining our
respective responses to both boys, we came to the conclusion they
actually kind of did us a favor.

We also both decided that the concept of internet dating, by it's very
nature, caters to introverted people with no social skills.

She's going to join me on my quest for good Thai, and until we meet
someone worthwhile in this city, we'll always have each other-- and
late nights spent laughing at CL casual encounters posts.

...WHAT?!

Equal parts amused and confused

After a very significant event occured last night, I woke up excited
for a coffee and movie date. Unfortunately, I suppose the day would
have been better spent downloading music in my pajamas at home...

Things went well enough (or so I thought) and then I get a text
message an hour later informing me that despite our "intense sexual
chemistry" it just wasn't "there [for him] to date". WTF? I guess I'm
lucky I got any kind of notice at all, but I'm seriously confused.

What more is there to "dating" besides either having sexual chemistry
or not? Am I missing something? Was I expected to make him fall in
love with me instantly over iced lattes and James Bond? Were we
already expected to have a relationship beyond being flirty and
getting to know each other? What's wrong with just casually hanging
out? We didn't even discuss anything of substance, how does he know me well enough to make that call anyway?

And IF he was feeling this way the whole time, exactly WHAT was the
point of kissing me fiercely at the train station, of asking if I'd be
available for hanging out later? Why not just an awkward hug, a
mumbled goodbye, or at least the classic: "maybe i'll see you around."
good lord, I would have even preferred a nice "it's not you, it's me"
to this mixed-signal-fuckery. Butttttttt, anyway.

I would say that this sucks, but I don't think that's fair of me, for two reasons:
A. Thanks to certain mutual friends, I knew to expect this from him to
begin with.
-and-
B. This is what I wanted, after all, the ups and the downs; the whole
experience. And honestly, I feel a bit rejected, yes, but mostly I'm
just relieved. As in, thank god THAT'S over with. Ok, what's next?

I'm consoling myself with momofuku bakery, t.rex, pommes frites (the
site of the epic porn-for-fries trade), eagles of death metal and
whisky in the EV.

Which, luckily for me, has the highest concentration of beautiful
people of any other neighborhood in manhattan.

The night is cold but also young, and I swear to god I just saw the
hands of the clock move ever so slightly backwards.

"I was a nerd... A party nerd."

At 7b last night, when S gave me this look out of the corner of his
eye, all at once it all made sense. He looks like F, he talks like F,
he moves like F, he likes the same music and has the same hobbies.
Which was a strange realization, because if I'm really over it (I am)
and if it wasn't that great to begin with (it wasn't), then why I am I
still looking for him, even in the most subconcious way?
Ah, whatever. Figuring this out made me get over it, which is probably
the best idea I've had yet.

In my wandering last night, I ended up in a place I shouldn't have
been, a place I definitely shouldn't have been alone in the dark. I
handled it ok, though, all by myself, and felt good about it later. A
lot of things that used to make me tremble now just make me sick,
funny how that works. I'm sure that one day, instead of making me
sick, they will just make me laugh. That day will be awesome.

Letting go, part 1 of 3: a letter

Dear sir,

I've had a lot of time to think about things. About the situation in
general, about everything that was said or not said, about your
actions and mine. (I wanted to actually write and send this to you
before I realized it wouldn't make a difference really, and also I
don't owe you anything, not even the courtesy of hate mail.)
I think you are the very worst kind of person, and you don't deserve
any of the small amount of happiness or friends that you have.
I'm sorry I ever met you; I'm definitely sorry I cared about you, and
I hope I never see you again. I don't even want to hear your name. You
are worse than dead to me: you don't even exist.
What you don't yet realize is that this city is mine. This is the
world I absolutely belong in. You may have almost succeeded in taking
that away, but I'm better than you, stronger than you. I won't let you
destroy me.

This will be the last time you are spoken of. good luck being
miserable, asshole.

It occurred to me during a particularly bleary-eyed train ride the
other morning that I've never actually dated. I'm not counting the
string of "friends" I had in my early twenties... It was all about sex
and that was fine at that time. But I've never actually done this
whole dating thing.. I've either been in a relationship or I haven't.
There's been none of the obsessing over who should call first or when.
None of the exchanging flirty messages via dating websites and trying
to decide if x boy is worth meeting in real life. None of the casual,
let's-just-hang-out-to-see-if-I-actually-like-you meetings for drinks/
coffee.
So that also means I haven't experienced the other side, like what if
the boy you've been furiously texting for two weeks flakes on plans
twice and then is never heard from again?
What if you meet someone you like, but they are somehow damaged? What
do you do?
So I think I decided, in the spirit of enjoying all of the experiences
of life, I'm just going to casually date for awhile and see what it's
like.
Oh who am I kidding, it probably sucks.

Who named the days?

Piece by piece, I cut you out of my heart.
Now I am reclaiming everything that is mine. Astoria park, the
hellgate, the village, trembling blue stars.
I finally picked up the pile of clothes and washed everything that
smelled like you.
I may have let you break me, but I won't spend a single second more
crying over you or wishing things were different. You're most
definitely going to die alone and sad and that's the best revenge I
could hope for. However, congratulations are in order: you made it to
#4 on my top 5 list of biggest cocksuckers of all time, and I've only
known you since September.

...now if I only had the balls to say all this to your face.

Sooooo my life right now:

1. I love you. I never hurt you on purpose.
2. I don't care.
1. Whatever happens in the end, I don't wanna lose you as my friend.
2. I promise, I will never be your friend. No matter what. Ever.

now there's acid in my heart

So I made my first New York mistake.
Congratulations, it was you.

you won't get hurt if you just keep your hands up

The weeks no longer hold seven shapes and names,
there is only the with you and without you;
the before i met you and the after.