when i look for proof, i find it in you..

well.

some storms have passed and some have only intensified. 

s and i have had a weeks' worth of very serious conversations. things aren't getting better or worse; simply unfolding. we had a moment today where we looked at each other and i was actually afraid for a second he might cry, or that i might cry. it sucks to be so worried about a job. h put it best, I guess, simply: "this is what happens in a depression. people get depressed."

since it has been just the two of us, things have been 100 times better between us, 1000 times better than imagined. we make a good team; whatever strange energy exists between us translates well to the store. a regular said today, while observing us work: "you guys are really cute today." and it feels good, almost like dancing.

the weather has been warm (is it sad I'm referring to 30 and 40 degree days as warm?) and it has been making me so happy. i'm still so in love with this city, and despite everything there are moments every day where i catch myself and think, "wow, I live here."

there are a lot of other things going on. i guess. i sit on the train, listening to modest mouse and feeling something almost crushing inside of me. something unnamed, unknown. this feeling makes me think that someday i will produce something very beautiful, but very sad.

my heart stopped beating but my blood was still alive

mason jennings. mogwai. ugly cassanova. the kills, specifically "black balloon" and the video for it, over and over and over.

things happened at work on friday that have left me shaken& scared, unsure of my future for the very first time. i've got fight in me for sure, but i'm afraid of another situation in which i give everything for a company that will only fuck me in the end.

have spent my days off in low key fashion: wandering around, etc. I'm enjoying exploring Astoria and was extremely excited to find a "little mexico" here, complete with.. BREAKFAST TACOS. I've yet to try them, but just the fact that they are there helps me sleep a little easier at night.

besides work, things are okay for me. i'm becoming more at ease. i'm making progress on my apartment. the days are ever so slightly warmer and sunnier. i'm not worrying about boys (too much). i'm reading more. i'm getting lost less. i lost 13 more lbs.

however, a lot of my friends are going through hard times for various reasons, and my mortal inability to make things magically better is frustrating. i just want to wrap you all up in love.

goodnight/ bad morning

After sweeping and mopping, taking out the trash, moving the pile of clothes from the living room to the bedroom, painting one wall and one section of trim, I decided I'd done enough work for the day.

Into the city now, for some rambling around. There are loose plans to celebrate a friend's birthday, but I'm not exactly sure if that's going to come about. 

I've been thinking a lot about this past December. My life is so much back to normal now; I'm obsessing about stupid things and being silly and running around like crazy. It wasn't that long ago (it really really wasn't) that my whole life was wrapped up in an uncomfortable chair in a cold room and whether or not someone would open their eyes, and if she would know me when she did. It seems so strange to me, that six weeks later, I've forgotten everything I learned in that room. 

I wonder about the other girl, the one that wasn't lucky. She's six weeks away from losing her mother. Surely she isn't back to normal. Surely she's wishing she were me.