Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Back down to the river again

Walking through Astoria Park I see a length of old nylon rope that
glints in the sun like the body of a snake in the spring grass and for
a moment my muscles tense, ready to run and I'm surprised at this
extremely natural reaction to a simple thing in the most unnatural of
environments.

Down by the water I immediately notice the smell of salt...Only the
second time since I moved that I've been able to smell the sea. My
sailor's blood churns beneath my skin, not unlike the waters of the
Hellgate.

Along the shore there is a place where the beach is made up entirely
of glass... Thousands of tiny pieces of blues and greens, remnants of
bottles that were discarded into the water for whatever reason....
Drifting along until the tide gathered them all along a ten foot
stretch of land.. What strikes me most is not the sparkly sight, but
the fact that when the waves crash on the shore it makes a noise like
the clinking of champagne glasses or the crystals of a chandelier.
That is so New York, hints of glamour in the dingiest of places.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Walked down to the waterfront today
In general I find the rivers around New York to be kind of sinister
anyway...
But add a gray, misty day and the ghostly silhouettes of grand bridges
and buildings and you get a recipe for the chills.
Mostly just walked among the expected detritus-- rusted crab traps,
rotted lengths of rope, condom wrappers, broken beer bottles, empty
oyster shells. Looking down into the water. Waiting to see something
but not sure what.
Some kids just yelled "you look like elvis!" from a bus. Compliment? I
think so...

Monday, May 4, 2009

I started running
The concrete turned to sand
I started running
And things didn't turn out as planned

Sunday, May 3, 2009

This am

Me: Lindsay! Brunch!
Lindsay (asleep on the couch): meh so sleeeeepy...
Adam: diana! Your clothes are falling off of you!!
Me: did you hear that, Lindsay? I'm wasting away over here! Now let's
go eat!!
Adam: really, though, you've lost weight, haven't you?
Me: yeah, these pants were tight this morning.

Monday, April 13, 2009

I'll take a quiet life

So.
Things have settled down or blown over or whatever you want to call it
and now s is my boss and only my boss and even that is temporary.

One of the owners, when signing a copy of his book for my dad, wrote "
your daughter is great and you can't have her back. Sorry." which is
silly but always makes me smile. I may not be working for David Chang
or Thomas Keller but I still can't help but feel a bit like I've done
pretty well.
That being said, not sure how much longer I can work these 12,13,14
hour days..

Saturday, March 14, 2009

My mom worries that I'm too cold (I'm not). She should be worried that
I'm listening to too much modest mouse (I am).

Thursday, February 19, 2009

when i look for proof, i find it in you..

well.
some storms have passed and some have only intensified. 

s and i have had a weeks' worth of very serious conversations. things aren't getting better or worse; simply unfolding. we had a moment today where we looked at each other and i was actually afraid for a second he might cry, or that i might cry. it sucks to be so worried about a job. h put it best, I guess, simply: "this is what happens in a depression. people get depressed."

since it has been just the two of us, things have been 100 times better between us, 1000 times better than imagined. we make a good team; whatever strange energy exists between us translates well to the store. a regular said today, while observing us work: "you guys are really cute today." and it feels good, almost like dancing.

the weather has been warm (is it sad I'm referring to 30 and 40 degree days as warm?) and it has been making me so happy. i'm still so in love with this city, and despite everything there are moments every day where i catch myself and think, "wow, I live here."

there are a lot of other things going on. i guess. i sit on the train, listening to modest mouse and feeling something almost crushing inside of me. something unnamed, unknown. this feeling makes me think that someday i will produce something very beautiful, but very sad.

Monday, February 9, 2009

my heart stopped beating but my blood was still alive

mason jennings. mogwai. ugly cassanova. the kills, specifically "black balloon" and the video for it, over and over and over.

things happened at work on friday that have left me shaken& scared, unsure of my future for the very first time. i've got fight in me for sure, but i'm afraid of another situation in which i give everything for a company that will only fuck me in the end.

have spent my days off in low key fashion: wandering around, etc. I'm enjoying exploring Astoria and was extremely excited to find a "little mexico" here, complete with.. BREAKFAST TACOS. I've yet to try them, but just the fact that they are there helps me sleep a little easier at night.

besides work, things are okay for me. i'm becoming more at ease. i'm making progress on my apartment. the days are ever so slightly warmer and sunnier. i'm not worrying about boys (too much). i'm reading more. i'm getting lost less. i lost 13 more lbs.
however, a lot of my friends are going through hard times for various reasons, and my mortal inability to make things magically better is frustrating. i just want to wrap you all up in love.

Friday, February 6, 2009

goodnight/ bad morning

After sweeping and mopping, taking out the trash, moving the pile of clothes from the living room to the bedroom, painting one wall and one section of trim, I decided I'd done enough work for the day.

Into the city now, for some rambling around. There are loose plans to celebrate a friend's birthday, but I'm not exactly sure if that's going to come about. 

I've been thinking a lot about this past December. My life is so much back to normal now; I'm obsessing about stupid things and being silly and running around like crazy. It wasn't that long ago (it really really wasn't) that my whole life was wrapped up in an uncomfortable chair in a cold room and whether or not someone would open their eyes, and if she would know me when she did. It seems so strange to me, that six weeks later, I've forgotten everything I learned in that room. 
I wonder about the other girl, the one that wasn't lucky. She's six weeks away from losing her mother. Surely she isn't back to normal. Surely she's wishing she were me.

Sunday, January 25, 2009

Today

And there it was in my stomach, suddenly, in the middle of my
afternoon shift. The poisonous uncertainty, the weight of doubt.

I've made a mistake.
I can't do this.
I want to go home.

All of my favorite springs slowly wash through my memories. I'm
standing in the kitchen, grasping to hold onto an intangible thing: a
feeling of calm, the beautiful sunlight, the smell of cedar and
pavement.

Monday, January 12, 2009

this is why

I love my life, and my friends. Because I get to ask/answer questions such as these:

"How many jokes did you buy from that bum?"
"Can I collect unemployment and still be a phone sex worker?"


Sunday, January 4, 2009

Adiós 2008

What a year.

I started off in a kind of holding pattern; three months into a job I
wasn't taking seriously; knowing it was time for <i>something</i> but
not sure exactly what.
I channeled my boredom into yoga and macrobiotics. I made a weight
loss bet with C. I cooked an insane 7 course meal for valentines. The
world continued to spin.
And then in late February a casual phone conversation with my mother
turned into an honest-to-god plane ticket to NYC.
I went into SXSW knowing it was probably my last year, and I was bored
as shit (as usual). My morning jacket DID rock me so hard I couldn't
hear right for a week, and that was with earplugs. The film fest
highlight was having to awkwardly sit through the opening of
Forgetting Sarah Marshall with Jason Segel standing right next to me.
In May I visited NY and subsequently decided to move. I got promoted
the day I got back and took the job (somewhat guiltily) anyway. Summer
was a blur of getting ready: both doing Austin things for the last
time AND preparing for my new life.
My brother got married somewhere in there and my niece had her first
birthday party.
On Aug 31 I left, I really really left.
I got the job I wanted and I moved into the apartment I wanted. I felt
all those cliché things... Like I was finally really truly alive, etc.
My grandmother passed away in early October. My mom called me when it
was time and I had to try and sum up a whole life's worth of love and
gratitude in a few sobbed sentences. At her funeral I felt her there
and felt released from grief, but I still miss her every day.
The day before Halloween a train wreck of a new friendship came to
it's ugly conclusion. I was depressed about it for a month... So my
birthday and thanksgiving passed without fanfare. I started hanging
out with work friends. I pulled myself back up.
Then on December 2 my mom went into the hospital, and the world
stopped spinning.
I spent most of december in an ICU room, hanging on every mechanical
breath. They told me I would lose her, and I became an adult. The next
day she woke up.
I came back to NY having fully been put through the emotional wringer.
I celebrated christmas with work friends and made some bad decisions.
I finished out 2008 with a lot of regret.
I welcomed the new year with cascading balloons and confetti and my
morning jacket covering kool and the gang. 'Twas perfect.

My wishes for 2009 are simple:
To be healthy and happy
To not take people for granted
To live a life I am proud of
To be free of regret
And the big one--
To welcome 2010 as a grown-up; a real live woman