I think it's time I stop pretending you didn't break my heart.

It's a shame

The universe has swallowed you back up. You are desaparecidos. You live a handful of blocks from me and yet you've never felt farther away.

I'm still here, like I said I would be. I desperately miss my friend and I wonder why it has to be this way. Come find me again.

I don't know anything. Not for sure, but I can guess.

I guess that you are keeping your distance on purpose.

Either you didn't mean anything you said, and are staying away for that reason.

Or even worse, you meant everything. And you can't stand to see me because you know the damage you've done to someone you love.

oh new york

I love the way that sometimes

you remind me

gently

you could still snap me in two

at any moment.

oh.

I fall in love all over again.

dancing in the moonlight

Saw HP7.2 this evening with S... I totally expected him to crack first, but I was weeping like a crazy person about 45 minutes into it.

I don't have a long history with Harry, other than making fun of my friends who were reading the books. I saw the first movie in the theater when it came out, because it was free and I had nothing else to do.

It wasn't until the summer that the Deathly Hallows was released that I thought I should see what the fuss was all about. I went on a vacation with book one, thinking maybe I'd get to reading it. I started one night and ending up reading the whole book in one sitting, something I haven't done since I was in elementary school. Who knew a children's series about wizards could be so well-written and so engaging to a person in her late 20s?

Harry Potter is in fact about a lot of things... wizards being the least of them. That's for a whole other post. Tonight I mostly just wanted to say something to all the people on the internets who are losing their shit over the movies being over. You are all missing the most beautiful thing about it. About Harry Potter, Frodo, even Edward fucking Cullen. About books in general.

They will always be there for you, waiting. Whenever you need them. Even though you know where the journey ends, that doesn't mean you can't enjoy the ride again.

And so, after crying my way through the final Harry Potter film this evening, I walked down to my local bookstore and bought books one and two (for the second time). So I can start all over again.

you and whose army?

man, I almost deleted that last post today. in the morning light it seemed maybe a tad too personal for this here internet. but you know what, F*** it. I'll leave it up.

I got off work early due to rain and decided to just make it a night in. I stopped at my favorite wine store to stock up and they were rocking Amnesiac, which I haven't listened to in ages but seemed gloriously apropos.

You see. I'm feeling a bit strange these days. Turning 30 this fall, what does it all mean, blah blah blah. Memories are becoming vague, if they ever even happened to begin with.

Also, people are getting married left and right these days. I am thinking of two boys specifically this evening, one of whom I'd like to say congratulations to but I'm too scared to even say happy birthday. The more I try to wave a white flag, the more awkward things become.

We had a conversation in the fall that I'm pretty sure was important, but many shots of whiskey had been taken and I regretfully don't remember it. I just hope I represented myself correctly, and I hope they both know the only thing about this particular triangle that gets me down is that I seem to have lost two friends.

The other boy I'm not too mixed up about. It was what it was, and it was a long time ago. I just saw a random firework explode through a crack in my curtains on this rainy evening, and it reminded me of another time in history when I hurried to meet you in the dead of a January night, and a single firework exploded in my rearview mirror just as I glanced up to see it.

yes, i'm still alive

I was thinking about how sad it is my posting has tapered off in such a dramatic fashion.

I'm not writing anything down anywhere else. I'm just.. living, I suppose.

So, a year ago I moved to Brooklyn with S., who is a different S. from the one I used to write about. We just celebrated our 2 year anniversary, which seems weird. Have I been in New York that long?

We live together in what is quite a perfect neighborhood with my cat, and I've started a new job where they treat me alright. Things are going pretty well.

There is more to say, but perhaps not yet. I just wanted my fingers to get used to creating sentences again.

Letting go, part 1 of 3: a letter

Dear sir,

I've had a lot of time to think about things. About the situation in
general, about everything that was said or not said, about your
actions and mine. (I wanted to actually write and send this to you
before I realized it wouldn't make a difference really, and also I
don't owe you anything, not even the courtesy of hate mail.)
I think you are the very worst kind of person, and you don't deserve
any of the small amount of happiness or friends that you have.
I'm sorry I ever met you; I'm definitely sorry I cared about you, and
I hope I never see you again. I don't even want to hear your name. You
are worse than dead to me: you don't even exist.
What you don't yet realize is that this city is mine. This is the
world I absolutely belong in. You may have almost succeeded in taking
that away, but I'm better than you, stronger than you. I won't let you
destroy me.

This will be the last time you are spoken of. good luck being
miserable, asshole.

Who named the days?

Piece by piece, I cut you out of my heart.
Now I am reclaiming everything that is mine. Astoria park, the
hellgate, the village, trembling blue stars.
I finally picked up the pile of clothes and washed everything that
smelled like you.
I may have let you break me, but I won't spend a single second more
crying over you or wishing things were different. You're most
definitely going to die alone and sad and that's the best revenge I
could hope for. However, congratulations are in order: you made it to
#4 on my top 5 list of biggest cocksuckers of all time, and I've only
known you since September.

...now if I only had the balls to say all this to your face.

damaged bad at best

Oh, I always want to listen to the Microphones around this time of year. Unfortunately I'm without real live computer access, so I have to make due with the Back to Black (winehouse) and Z (mmj) that I have on my iphone.

It's been a rough three weeks.

I've had two-- that's right, two!-- nervous breakdowns this week.

Just trying to be a good-hearted and healthy, whole adult human being, and am discovering bit by bit that perhaps I don't have the equipment?