I don't know anything. Not for sure, but I can guess.

I guess that you are keeping your distance on purpose.

Either you didn't mean anything you said, and are staying away for that reason.

Or even worse, you meant everything. And you can't stand to see me because you know the damage you've done to someone you love.

i went to the hospital

my mom isn't doing well.

and that is all there is be said.

Home, again.

Somewhere between NY and GA I realized I've done more flying in the
last 8 months than I have in the last 8 years.

It's almost 6 here; I've been on a place since 9:40 (cst) this
morning. The night is typical Texas winter... Cloudy, cool, a bit of a
breeze. From the morning I left up north, though, this is shorts and
tank top weather (a fellow traveler who must be a first-timer is
echoing my sentiments loudly nearby). It's lovely, even if the reason
I'm seeing it is horrible.

My mom isn't doing well, in fact I found out yesterday she isn't even
considered stable. I got on the very first plane I possibly could, I
didn't pack, I didn't brush my teeth, I didn't do anything except fill
a backpack with things to do at the hospital.

I somewhat optimistically booked a return flight for Thursday.
Hopefully I'll be able to make it, and return to new york with good
news.

Just when things weren't sucking..

So as I was trapped on a W train on my way to work this am, I got a
call from my mom's bf, informing me he had taken her to the hospital.

He's old and kind of confused himself, so he couldn't actually give me
ANY information, just that it was something related to either her
pancreas or gallstones. Or something. Maybe.

I've become one of those people who doesn't trust hospitals.

It wasn't the time they put an IV in my arm incorrectly and refused to
take it out until my arm had doubled in size, nor was it the time they
fucked up my surgery leaving me with a painful infection and scar
tissue. It wasn't even the time I was turned away from emergency care
I needed for being unable to pay.

It was when my friend Wally went in feeling unwell only to find out he
had leukemia, and was given a positive diagnosis and high probability
of beating it, and then was dead from a heart attack less than twelve
hours later.

So when I get news like this, even if the outlook is maybe not so
grim, all I can think of is: is this it?

Who named the days?

Piece by piece, I cut you out of my heart.
Now I am reclaiming everything that is mine. Astoria park, the
hellgate, the village, trembling blue stars.
I finally picked up the pile of clothes and washed everything that
smelled like you.
I may have let you break me, but I won't spend a single second more
crying over you or wishing things were different. You're most
definitely going to die alone and sad and that's the best revenge I
could hope for. However, congratulations are in order: you made it to
#4 on my top 5 list of biggest cocksuckers of all time, and I've only
known you since September.

...now if I only had the balls to say all this to your face.

Sooooo my life right now:

1. I love you. I never hurt you on purpose.
2. I don't care.
1. Whatever happens in the end, I don't wanna lose you as my friend.
2. I promise, I will never be your friend. No matter what. Ever.

I fell apart. It was NY that swept me up, put me back together.
The past week has been dizzying; cupcakes and good times in
Williamsburg, the first real sign of autumn, long walks around the
village, falling asleep on the couch, new friends, etc etc.
Oh city, I'm so sorry I doubted you, if even for a second.

damaged bad at best

Oh, I always want to listen to the Microphones around this time of year. Unfortunately I'm without real live computer access, so I have to make due with the Back to Black (winehouse) and Z (mmj) that I have on my iphone.

It's been a rough three weeks.

I've had two-- that's right, two!-- nervous breakdowns this week.

Just trying to be a good-hearted and healthy, whole adult human being, and am discovering bit by bit that perhaps I don't have the equipment?

now there's acid in my heart

So I made my first New York mistake.
Congratulations, it was you.