Equal parts amused and confused

After a very significant event occured last night, I woke up excited
for a coffee and movie date. Unfortunately, I suppose the day would
have been better spent downloading music in my pajamas at home...

Things went well enough (or so I thought) and then I get a text
message an hour later informing me that despite our "intense sexual
chemistry" it just wasn't "there [for him] to date". WTF? I guess I'm
lucky I got any kind of notice at all, but I'm seriously confused.

What more is there to "dating" besides either having sexual chemistry
or not? Am I missing something? Was I expected to make him fall in
love with me instantly over iced lattes and James Bond? Were we
already expected to have a relationship beyond being flirty and
getting to know each other? What's wrong with just casually hanging
out? We didn't even discuss anything of substance, how does he know me well enough to make that call anyway?

And IF he was feeling this way the whole time, exactly WHAT was the
point of kissing me fiercely at the train station, of asking if I'd be
available for hanging out later? Why not just an awkward hug, a
mumbled goodbye, or at least the classic: "maybe i'll see you around."
good lord, I would have even preferred a nice "it's not you, it's me"
to this mixed-signal-fuckery. Butttttttt, anyway.

I would say that this sucks, but I don't think that's fair of me, for two reasons:
A. Thanks to certain mutual friends, I knew to expect this from him to
begin with.
-and-
B. This is what I wanted, after all, the ups and the downs; the whole
experience. And honestly, I feel a bit rejected, yes, but mostly I'm
just relieved. As in, thank god THAT'S over with. Ok, what's next?

I'm consoling myself with momofuku bakery, t.rex, pommes frites (the
site of the epic porn-for-fries trade), eagles of death metal and
whisky in the EV.

Which, luckily for me, has the highest concentration of beautiful
people of any other neighborhood in manhattan.

The night is cold but also young, and I swear to god I just saw the
hands of the clock move ever so slightly backwards.

"I was a nerd... A party nerd."

At 7b last night, when S gave me this look out of the corner of his
eye, all at once it all made sense. He looks like F, he talks like F,
he moves like F, he likes the same music and has the same hobbies.
Which was a strange realization, because if I'm really over it (I am)
and if it wasn't that great to begin with (it wasn't), then why I am I
still looking for him, even in the most subconcious way?
Ah, whatever. Figuring this out made me get over it, which is probably
the best idea I've had yet.

In my wandering last night, I ended up in a place I shouldn't have
been, a place I definitely shouldn't have been alone in the dark. I
handled it ok, though, all by myself, and felt good about it later. A
lot of things that used to make me tremble now just make me sick,
funny how that works. I'm sure that one day, instead of making me
sick, they will just make me laugh. That day will be awesome.

It occurred to me during a particularly bleary-eyed train ride the
other morning that I've never actually dated. I'm not counting the
string of "friends" I had in my early twenties... It was all about sex
and that was fine at that time. But I've never actually done this
whole dating thing.. I've either been in a relationship or I haven't.
There's been none of the obsessing over who should call first or when.
None of the exchanging flirty messages via dating websites and trying
to decide if x boy is worth meeting in real life. None of the casual,
let's-just-hang-out-to-see-if-I-actually-like-you meetings for drinks/
coffee.
So that also means I haven't experienced the other side, like what if
the boy you've been furiously texting for two weeks flakes on plans
twice and then is never heard from again?
What if you meet someone you like, but they are somehow damaged? What
do you do?
So I think I decided, in the spirit of enjoying all of the experiences
of life, I'm just going to casually date for awhile and see what it's
like.
Oh who am I kidding, it probably sucks.

So

It finally happened.
Last night coming home from bumming around Astoria all day, I was
standing at the corner of the bqe and steinway and I felt it, I knew,
that this feeling I have for this city is no mere crush, but real and
true love.
I almost started crying with happiness as I crossed the highway,
headed home.

Sooooo my life right now:

1. I love you. I never hurt you on purpose.
2. I don't care.
1. Whatever happens in the end, I don't wanna lose you as my friend.
2. I promise, I will never be your friend. No matter what. Ever.

now there's acid in my heart

So I made my first New York mistake.
Congratulations, it was you.

you won't get hurt if you just keep your hands up

The weeks no longer hold seven shapes and names,
there is only the with you and without you;
the before i met you and the after.