It occurred to me during a particularly bleary-eyed train ride the
other morning that I've never actually dated. I'm not counting the
string of "friends" I had in my early twenties... It was all about sex
and that was fine at that time. But I've never actually done this
whole dating thing.. I've either been in a relationship or I haven't.
There's been none of the obsessing over who should call first or when.
None of the exchanging flirty messages via dating websites and trying
to decide if x boy is worth meeting in real life. None of the casual,
let's-just-hang-out-to-see-if-I-actually-like-you meetings for drinks/
coffee.
So that also means I haven't experienced the other side, like what if
the boy you've been furiously texting for two weeks flakes on plans
twice and then is never heard from again?
What if you meet someone you like, but they are somehow damaged? What
do you do?
So I think I decided, in the spirit of enjoying all of the experiences
of life, I'm just going to casually date for awhile and see what it's
like.
Oh who am I kidding, it probably sucks.

Starting to feel better (maybe). Still having nightmares every single
night and still jumping at every noise, every shadow, but functioning
almost at a normal level again. Got a bed and some furniture and that
really helped a gigantic amount. I feel more at home, which is
important.
Things are coming together at work and that has been a big help also.
It's easy for me to focus on, and working so hard has really been
wearing me out, which is ok.
I still definitely need to get some help, to talk to a professional,
but right now i'm in such a headspace that I'm having trouble even
forming thoughts about what happened, let alone words. I guess that's
forgiveable for right now. I've gotten to the point where I forget he
even exists, and then I see his name somewhere and get creeped out all
over again... But I don't know if that will ever go away.
As long as I don't see him, and I don't think I will, I should be ok.

So

It finally happened.
Last night coming home from bumming around Astoria all day, I was
standing at the corner of the bqe and steinway and I felt it, I knew,
that this feeling I have for this city is no mere crush, but real and
true love.
I almost started crying with happiness as I crossed the highway,
headed home.

Day off

Since I've been "sick", I've been putting off a lot of the things that
need to be done, which all unfortunately culminate in a quite busy day
off for me. Haircut, post office, kinkos, paint store, library instead
of a late lunch at triskell followed by central park and a movie, le
sigh.

So when I moved to Austin, I took great pride and comfort in the
Capitol, for whatever reason. I spent many a lonely and sick night
sitting in it's shadow, and it always made me feel better. It never
let me down.
In new york, a city of countless beautiful buildings and famous
landmarks, that hole is filled for me by the Flatiron building. More
than the Empire State building, more than the Chrysler building, the
Flatiron says to me "it's gonna be ok, because you are here, and you
are home."
Luckily I work in lower midtown (or upper downtown, as my boss likes
to call it) and get to walk past it twice a day. Never gets old.

I'm sitting in Madison square park right now, underneath a foggy,
misty sky. There is some kind of weird light art thing going on, and
it's just kind of gorgeous and autumn all around.

In case my earlier posts weren't a clue, someone I considered a good
friend took advantage of me in the worst possible way, and now I have
that pain and turmoil to deal with on top of everything else. The
repercussions of this have yet to be fully realized, and with each
passing day things seem to get more and more fucked up.

Even now, though, at the very worst and hardest time of my life since
F, I can feel the city humming within me; slowly, methodically
stitching me up.

Who named the days?

Piece by piece, I cut you out of my heart.
Now I am reclaiming everything that is mine. Astoria park, the
hellgate, the village, trembling blue stars.
I finally picked up the pile of clothes and washed everything that
smelled like you.
I may have let you break me, but I won't spend a single second more
crying over you or wishing things were different. You're most
definitely going to die alone and sad and that's the best revenge I
could hope for. However, congratulations are in order: you made it to
#4 on my top 5 list of biggest cocksuckers of all time, and I've only
known you since September.

...now if I only had the balls to say all this to your face.

Sooooo my life right now:

1. I love you. I never hurt you on purpose.
2. I don't care.
1. Whatever happens in the end, I don't wanna lose you as my friend.
2. I promise, I will never be your friend. No matter what. Ever.