"I was a nerd... A party nerd."

At 7b last night, when S gave me this look out of the corner of his
eye, all at once it all made sense. He looks like F, he talks like F,
he moves like F, he likes the same music and has the same hobbies.
Which was a strange realization, because if I'm really over it (I am)
and if it wasn't that great to begin with (it wasn't), then why I am I
still looking for him, even in the most subconcious way?
Ah, whatever. Figuring this out made me get over it, which is probably
the best idea I've had yet.

In my wandering last night, I ended up in a place I shouldn't have
been, a place I definitely shouldn't have been alone in the dark. I
handled it ok, though, all by myself, and felt good about it later. A
lot of things that used to make me tremble now just make me sick,
funny how that works. I'm sure that one day, instead of making me
sick, they will just make me laugh. That day will be awesome.

No one belongs here more that you

I clearly have a lot on my mind today!

My recent bad habits mean that I've now lost enough weight that all of
my clothes just slightly don't fit; not enough to justify buying new
ones, but more than enough to be annoying.

I'm exploring TriBeCa on what feels like the most still and quiet
Saturday evening that has ever happened. Maybe it's just the
neighborhood?
I walk past a diner and a busboy smiles and waves at me through the
glass, like I'm his friend, and I smile and wave back because that's
exactly the kind of random shit I love to do.

Espresso and Miranda July at a nice cafe on Greenwich, then back out
into a night that will most surely involve dancing.

Taking heartache with hard work

The only good thing about having to go to work so early in the cold is
that there are cheese grits and espresso waiting for me when I get
there.

Last night was Beaujolais at hicks st, followed by Guiness at abilene.
It was good to see A and swap stories of homesickness. He delivered a
fabulous birthday present all the way from Austin, which I love and
can't wait to hang up at home.

Tonight I have vague plans with andrea, k and pnb, who are quite
unexpectedly becoming much-loved friends.

I've been thinking a lot about that concept lately: how when you meet
someone, you never know what they are going to end up meaning to you.
You could casually be introduced to someone at a show only to have
that person later become your best friend.

It's fascinating, and lovely, to later find out what the important
days are.

The match of the century: absence vs. thin air

Ohhh, 27. Dinner with friends, shots of whisky at king's head tavern,
glasses (and door frames) broken at beauty bar. Questionable decisions
were made, and not just by me. S leans close while dancing and says
"if this is gonna continue, you have to accept the fact that I'm tall"
and confuses me all night.
Thanksgiving was made up of a giant hangover... It felt kind of sad to
not be cooking a fantastic meal for the first time in four years, but
maybe I needed the break. Ash invited me to family dinner at chestnut,
and as much as I wanted to go, I couldn't make it.
Work has been good, and I have a lot going on in the coming weeks. On
my way to Brooklyn now for what will surely be good times. The only
thing that would make this week more rock-and-roll is if there were
actual drugs involved!

My two pieces of advice for life are:
1. Never send naked pictures of yourself to ANYONE
and
2. Always have a plan B.

My plan B frequently involves going to brooklyn. Maybe I should start
making it plan A!

Feeling good

I wonder exactly how many times s. Meyer listened to "feeling good" by
muse while writing twilight.

Speaking of, I'm turning 27 in an epic way... Started the day off with
radiohead and mimosas, now on my way to see movie of aforementioned
book.

Letting go, part 1 of 3: a letter

Dear sir,

I've had a lot of time to think about things. About the situation in
general, about everything that was said or not said, about your
actions and mine. (I wanted to actually write and send this to you
before I realized it wouldn't make a difference really, and also I
don't owe you anything, not even the courtesy of hate mail.)
I think you are the very worst kind of person, and you don't deserve
any of the small amount of happiness or friends that you have.
I'm sorry I ever met you; I'm definitely sorry I cared about you, and
I hope I never see you again. I don't even want to hear your name. You
are worse than dead to me: you don't even exist.
What you don't yet realize is that this city is mine. This is the
world I absolutely belong in. You may have almost succeeded in taking
that away, but I'm better than you, stronger than you. I won't let you
destroy me.

This will be the last time you are spoken of. good luck being
miserable, asshole.

It occurred to me during a particularly bleary-eyed train ride the
other morning that I've never actually dated. I'm not counting the
string of "friends" I had in my early twenties... It was all about sex
and that was fine at that time. But I've never actually done this
whole dating thing.. I've either been in a relationship or I haven't.
There's been none of the obsessing over who should call first or when.
None of the exchanging flirty messages via dating websites and trying
to decide if x boy is worth meeting in real life. None of the casual,
let's-just-hang-out-to-see-if-I-actually-like-you meetings for drinks/
coffee.
So that also means I haven't experienced the other side, like what if
the boy you've been furiously texting for two weeks flakes on plans
twice and then is never heard from again?
What if you meet someone you like, but they are somehow damaged? What
do you do?
So I think I decided, in the spirit of enjoying all of the experiences
of life, I'm just going to casually date for awhile and see what it's
like.
Oh who am I kidding, it probably sucks.

Starting to feel better (maybe). Still having nightmares every single
night and still jumping at every noise, every shadow, but functioning
almost at a normal level again. Got a bed and some furniture and that
really helped a gigantic amount. I feel more at home, which is
important.
Things are coming together at work and that has been a big help also.
It's easy for me to focus on, and working so hard has really been
wearing me out, which is ok.
I still definitely need to get some help, to talk to a professional,
but right now i'm in such a headspace that I'm having trouble even
forming thoughts about what happened, let alone words. I guess that's
forgiveable for right now. I've gotten to the point where I forget he
even exists, and then I see his name somewhere and get creeped out all
over again... But I don't know if that will ever go away.
As long as I don't see him, and I don't think I will, I should be ok.

So

It finally happened.
Last night coming home from bumming around Astoria all day, I was
standing at the corner of the bqe and steinway and I felt it, I knew,
that this feeling I have for this city is no mere crush, but real and
true love.
I almost started crying with happiness as I crossed the highway,
headed home.

Day off

Since I've been "sick", I've been putting off a lot of the things that
need to be done, which all unfortunately culminate in a quite busy day
off for me. Haircut, post office, kinkos, paint store, library instead
of a late lunch at triskell followed by central park and a movie, le
sigh.

So when I moved to Austin, I took great pride and comfort in the
Capitol, for whatever reason. I spent many a lonely and sick night
sitting in it's shadow, and it always made me feel better. It never
let me down.
In new york, a city of countless beautiful buildings and famous
landmarks, that hole is filled for me by the Flatiron building. More
than the Empire State building, more than the Chrysler building, the
Flatiron says to me "it's gonna be ok, because you are here, and you
are home."
Luckily I work in lower midtown (or upper downtown, as my boss likes
to call it) and get to walk past it twice a day. Never gets old.

I'm sitting in Madison square park right now, underneath a foggy,
misty sky. There is some kind of weird light art thing going on, and
it's just kind of gorgeous and autumn all around.

In case my earlier posts weren't a clue, someone I considered a good
friend took advantage of me in the worst possible way, and now I have
that pain and turmoil to deal with on top of everything else. The
repercussions of this have yet to be fully realized, and with each
passing day things seem to get more and more fucked up.

Even now, though, at the very worst and hardest time of my life since
F, I can feel the city humming within me; slowly, methodically
stitching me up.

Who named the days?

Piece by piece, I cut you out of my heart.
Now I am reclaiming everything that is mine. Astoria park, the
hellgate, the village, trembling blue stars.
I finally picked up the pile of clothes and washed everything that
smelled like you.
I may have let you break me, but I won't spend a single second more
crying over you or wishing things were different. You're most
definitely going to die alone and sad and that's the best revenge I
could hope for. However, congratulations are in order: you made it to
#4 on my top 5 list of biggest cocksuckers of all time, and I've only
known you since September.

...now if I only had the balls to say all this to your face.

Sooooo my life right now:

1. I love you. I never hurt you on purpose.
2. I don't care.
1. Whatever happens in the end, I don't wanna lose you as my friend.
2. I promise, I will never be your friend. No matter what. Ever.