Spooky Days/Spooky Nights

marcus loves spendusa

2011-08-08T21:37:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking a lot about Italy.

Specifically, Pompeii.

There are a lot of things to marvel at. The sheer size of the ruins struck me immediately. The distance from Vesuvius surprised me as well.. I always imagined the city perched directly on the slope, I guess. The condition of the city itself is a wonder. It's really well-preserved, so much so that it's hard not to picture it as it once was. I read in a guidebook somewhere that it's easy to forget that you aren't in a living city. I can say that it's true. Pompeii seems alive.

One of the things I keep thinking about is the graffiti. Archaeologists found graffiti everywhere: some of which still remains in the city, but most of which resides elsewhere. It covers a wide range of subjects, most of which are still represented in modern-day graffiti: love, sex, politics, opinions. Even a couple of "I was here"s thrown in for good measure.

What I find so fascinating, and I'm sure a lot of historians probably agree with me, is that through this very basic form of expression, this group of people who existed so many many years ago, is able to speak directly to us. There are so many things we don't know about the past, and so much of what we do know is just surmised.

But here, we know for sure, hundreds upon hundreds of years after these people lived and died, that Marcus loved Spendusa. Enough to write it on a wall.

What will our graffiti say about us?

back to black

2011-07-23T23:40:00.000-07:00

dear Amy,

I hope you are finally able to find some peace.

I keep thinking back to that spring night so many years ago, when we stared at each other across a bar at a party. I noticed your tattoos first. And then I was amazed at how small you were. And also, how low-key: a simple green shirt and a pair of jeans. No dramatic eyeliner, no beehive. No hysterics, no drunken antics. Just a quiet girl looking for a drink. Something like me.

You were looking at me and probably just wondering why I was staring.

When I first moved to NYC, in those rough first few months, I only had Back to Black on my Ipod. In a way, you were my truest friend during that time. With me on the subway, when I got lost in the city, with me as I sat alone in the park, with me as I fell asleep.

There are a lot of people saying a lot of things about you, as they do. I just feel sorry to have lost you, and wish you well.

We'll always have the fall of 2008.

dancing in the moonlight

2011-07-19T19:32:00.000-07:00

Saw HP7.2 this evening with S... I totally expected him to crack first, but I was weeping like a crazy person about 45 minutes into it.

I don't have a long history with Harry, other than making fun of my friends who were reading the books. I saw the first movie in the theater when it came out, because it was free and I had nothing else to do.

It wasn't until the summer that the Deathly Hallows was released that I thought I should see what the fuss was all about. I went on a vacation with book one, thinking maybe I'd get to reading it. I started one night and ending up reading the whole book in one sitting, something I haven't done since I was in elementary school. Who knew a children's series about wizards could be so well-written and so engaging to a person in her late 20s?

Harry Potter is in fact about a lot of things... wizards being the least of them. That's for a whole other post. Tonight I mostly just wanted to say something to all the people on the internets who are losing their shit over the movies being over. You are all missing the most beautiful thing about it. About Harry Potter, Frodo, even Edward fucking Cullen. About books in general.

They will always be there for you, waiting. Whenever you need them. Even though you know where the journey ends, that doesn't mean you can't enjoy the ride again.

And so, after crying my way through the final Harry Potter film this evening, I walked down to my local bookstore and bought books one and two (for the second time). So I can start all over again.

listen, I've been drinking... as our house lies in ruin. I don't know what I'm doin'. Alone, in the dark. At the park or at the pier, watching ships..

2011-07-11T22:07:00.000-07:00

...disappear in the rain. ?

The 12 year-old me would be judging the 29 year-old me endlessly. I definitely never designed this life for myself. I was smart; I was gifted. I was destined to discover a cure for cancer AND open a top 3 Hollywood film. I was going to give a million dollars to my public high school english teacher; and a million dollars to my private high school. I was going to be married with three children by the age I am now.

But when I lay it all out, in memory, and really consider it all?

All I can say is that it was really fun. If I died tonight, I would have regrets, sure. But mostly I would have love and gratitude for the people who have come in and out of my life. There are some people and places and times that I miss so much.

I have kind of always been looking elsewhere... When I was younger, I was waiting for summer and rendezvous or Advance. When I was older I was waiting for Michigan (during which I was waiting for Texas) and then I was in Austin dreaming of the future and now I am in New York dreaming of Austin. I guess this is my fate. To be lonely for those cool Austin nights of 2004, where I rode my bike around town alone, listening to music and reading good books in the patios of closed restaurants, in the stillness of the town. Someday I suppose I will be lonely for Brooklyn, and the airplanes flying overhead at night, and the sound of rain on the roof.

The tide comes in, and the tide goes out again. I suppose this is the kind of thing we see every day.

The tide goes in; the tide goes away. Oh, the tide comes in, yeah the tide, yes the tide...

also

2011-07-08T22:06:00.000-07:00

I have been working a lot. A lot a lot. And I am further reminded of my aging by the fact that I can't do what I could when I was 20. Or even 25. Forget partying all night and still showing up for doubles like some of the teenagers I employ. I can barely even handle my regular hours these days, with the only beverages consumed being tea and water.

Yesterday I skipped French class because I was exhausted like I had mono. I told myself I'd offset the class with a French film (sans subtitles) and a couple of letters en francais, but 30 minutes into Delicatessen I found myself dozing off. I slept for something like 18 hours, with a short interlude from 10-midnight for a couple of episodes of Futurama. I haven't been this tired in a looooong time.

you and whose army?

2011-07-08T21:10:00.000-07:00

man, I almost deleted that last post today. in the morning light it seemed maybe a tad too personal for this here internet. but you know what, F*** it. I'll leave it up.

I got off work early due to rain and decided to just make it a night in. I stopped at my favorite wine store to stock up and they were rocking Amnesiac, which I haven't listened to in ages but seemed gloriously apropos.

You see. I'm feeling a bit strange these days. Turning 30 this fall, what does it all mean, blah blah blah. Memories are becoming vague, if they ever even happened to begin with.

Also, people are getting married left and right these days. I am thinking of two boys specifically this evening, one of whom I'd like to say congratulations to but I'm too scared to even say happy birthday. The more I try to wave a white flag, the more awkward things become.

We had a conversation in the fall that I'm pretty sure was important, but many shots of whiskey had been taken and I regretfully don't remember it. I just hope I represented myself correctly, and I hope they both know the only thing about this particular triangle that gets me down is that I seem to have lost two friends.

The other boy I'm not too mixed up about. It was what it was, and it was a long time ago. I just saw a random firework explode through a crack in my curtains on this rainy evening, and it reminded me of another time in history when I hurried to meet you in the dead of a January night, and a single firework exploded in my rearview mirror just as I glanced up to see it.

wiccan in the city

2011-07-07T20:32:00.001-07:00

A postcard I saw on Postsecret recently had me thinking about religion. I guess I wanted to say something about it. I don't speak about it much, even to those I hold closest. I have lived with someone for over two years and have only mentioned it once.

It's not an issue of pride: I'm not ashamed about being a witch. It's just not something I like to discuss with anyone.

There's definitely a lot of misinformation out there, and even the most open-minded person probably imagines something very specific when someone says the words, "I'm a Wiccan." There was certainly a time in my life (hello high school) when I even played into that image a bit, because in a place filled with so many amazing personalities and talents I thought it was what set me apart. In reality, Wicca has many different faces and belongs to many different people, in different ways.

I have been a practicing pagan since I was 13. I like to think I was born this way; I didn't discover it nor did it search me out. I had no Wiccan friends and in fact was quite a strict Baptist. However, Sunday sermons just weren't adding up for me somewhere; something wasn't quite right. Wicca was in my heart always, already, even before I knew the name or shape of it. There are a lot of things I can't remember about my childhood but I'll already remember this: crouching in the new age section of a mall bookstore, heart thumping, as I flipped through a basic book on Wicca. I can still clearly remember thinking, "So this is what I am."

I guess the easiest way to explain it is to say that I always found it hard to find God in a church hall. He was almost never (or barely) present in the fellow small-town Christians I studied the Bible with every Wednesday night. When I spoke to Him in daily prayer I found that no one seemed to be listening. But watching the sun set, or a river flow, or listening to the wind flow down the mountains through the aspen trees? A shooting star on a clear night, the smell of autumn, the quiet of snow, a humpback whale leaping out of the Atlantic? There is God. Don't tell the priest about your fears, your mistakes. Tell the sun rise. Baptise yourself in a river; the sea. Go to church in a forest. Remember to gaze at the stars.

These days, I find myself living in New York, which is probably about as far from nature as you can possibly get. Strangely enough, I feel closer to the earth here than ever. A single basil plant springs from in between sidewalk cracks. Sweet clover briefly overwhelms the stench of exhaust. The cool wind blows off the river. The moon sets large and red over New Jersey.

I may not participate in the elaborate rituals these days. I don't visit online communities nor read much Wiccan literature. When someone asks about the star tattoo on my wrist, I laugh it off or make an excuse. But if anyone is truly curious, I'll be happy to tell you about it. And I never forget to appreciate a sunset, or say "thank you" when blowing out a candle.

2011-06-16T21:00:00.001-07:00

Interpol and radiohead. Eating a porkchop alone at a dimly lit bar in Brooklyn at 11pm. I am starting to forget how much I loved music-- I hardly listen anymore.

Which I guess means I really am getting old. It's not so much the getting old that's the problem. It's that this is the kind of old I swore I'd never be.

how much of a tree bends in the wind?

2011-06-12T22:49:00.000-07:00

I started telling the story, without knowing the end.

I had a frustrating day at work. I just want to do a good job, that's it. When I make dumb little mistakes, I feel it. I feel it twice.

yes, i'm still alive

2011-06-03T19:16:00.000-07:00

I was thinking about how sad it is my posting has tapered off in such a dramatic fashion.

I'm not writing anything down anywhere else. I'm just.. living, I suppose.

So, a year ago I moved to Brooklyn with S., who is a different S. from the one I used to write about. We just celebrated our 2 year anniversary, which seems weird. Have I been in New York that long?

We live together in what is quite a perfect neighborhood with my cat, and I've started a new job where they treat me alright. Things are going pretty well.

There is more to say, but perhaps not yet. I just wanted my fingers to get used to creating sentences again.

New life

2010-05-14T18:00:00.000-07:00

At home on a Friday.
Watching a thunderstorm roll in over south Brooklyn, there is the wind
in my face, ships in the distance and the call of a lone gull. The
thunder, echoing off buildings, sounds closer to amplified backyard
fireworks, but somehow, in this most urban place, I feel so close to
nature.

2010-01-18T14:05:00.000-08:00

It's been a long time since I had anything I felt like saying, but
I've been thinking, thinking and thinking...

In the interim, I got a promotion, a French boyfriend who moved in
with me, had further crazy family things happen and celebrated my 1
year NYC anniversary.

I still think about Texas, and even miss it sometimes. Especially now,
when it's so dark and cold. I think about every single lazy day spent
drinking margaritas poolside or breakfast tacos at Maudie's or dancing
at Elysium or warm nights spent alone, biking around town. When my
iPhone informs me that it's 70 degrees in 78704 I can only remember
how lovely spring is. Softball and beers with Max. Reading books and
drinking wine in Zilker park. Gearing up for sxsw, which usually meant
spending a couple of hours a week inhaling glue fumes and getting
sticky fingers followed by post "work" Mexican or moonshine brunch. I
think about my cat, the people I left behind, the niece who is growing
up without me and I feel a physical longing and sadness so strong that
it's almost an actual, measurable pain.

But then there is New York. I was recently marveling at how, unlike my
other transplanted friends, instead of feeling any kind of backlash or
distaste for the city at all, I've only come to love it more.
On a truly nice day (in any season), I dare you to show me a city more
lovely than this. I live in what sometimes feels like a gigantic
playground for grownups, with each day actually being full of endless
possibilities. I have anything I could possibly want available to me
at any hour of the day. Now that I have my car, I'm a mere hour away
from anything fun, and I've done more traveling and seen more new
things in the year I've lived here then in the 8 I lived in Austin.
There's something about this whole New England thing that I really
dig... Maybe all those Charles wysocki puzzles we did as kids had some
subliminal effect on me, who knows. I feel more at home every day, and
more proud to be a New Yorker.

Back down to the river again

2009-05-06T13:46:00.001-07:00

Walking through Astoria Park I see a length of old nylon rope that
glints in the sun like the body of a snake in the spring grass and for
a moment my muscles tense, ready to run and I'm surprised at this
extremely natural reaction to a simple thing in the most unnatural of
environments.

Down by the water I immediately notice the smell of salt...Only the
second time since I moved that I've been able to smell the sea. My
sailor's blood churns beneath my skin, not unlike the waters of the
Hellgate.

Along the shore there is a place where the beach is made up entirely
of glass... Thousands of tiny pieces of blues and greens, remnants of
bottles that were discarded into the water for whatever reason....
Drifting along until the tide gathered them all along a ten foot
stretch of land.. What strikes me most is not the sparkly sight, but
the fact that when the waves crash on the shore it makes a noise like
the clinking of champagne glasses or the crystals of a chandelier.
That is so New York, hints of glamour in the dingiest of places.

2009-05-05T12:58:00.000-07:00

Walked down to the waterfront today
In general I find the rivers around New York to be kind of sinister
anyway...
But add a gray, misty day and the ghostly silhouettes of grand bridges
and buildings and you get a recipe for the chills.
Mostly just walked among the expected detritus-- rusted crab traps,
rotted lengths of rope, condom wrappers, broken beer bottles, empty
oyster shells. Looking down into the water. Waiting to see something
but not sure what.

2009-05-05T12:23:00.001-07:00

Some kids just yelled "you look like elvis!" from a bus. Compliment? I
think so...

2009-05-04T21:56:00.000-07:00

I started running
The concrete turned to sand
I started running
And things didn't turn out as planned

This am

2009-05-03T14:31:00.001-07:00

Me: Lindsay! Brunch!
Lindsay (asleep on the couch): meh so sleeeeepy...
Adam: diana! Your clothes are falling off of you!!
Me: did you hear that, Lindsay? I'm wasting away over here! Now let's
go eat!!
Adam: really, though, you've lost weight, haven't you?
Me: yeah, these pants were tight this morning.

I'll take a quiet life

2009-04-13T21:08:00.000-07:00

So.
Things have settled down or blown over or whatever you want to call it
and now s is my boss and only my boss and even that is temporary.

One of the owners, when signing a copy of his book for my dad, wrote "
your daughter is great and you can't have her back. Sorry." which is
silly but always makes me smile. I may not be working for David Chang
or Thomas Keller but I still can't help but feel a bit like I've done
pretty well.
That being said, not sure how much longer I can work these 12,13,14
hour days..

2009-03-14T18:44:00.001-07:00

My mom worries that I'm too cold (I'm not). She should be worried that
I'm listening to too much modest mouse (I am).

when i look for proof, i find it in you..

2009-02-19T21:34:00.000-08:00

well.

some storms have passed and some have only intensified.

s and i have had a weeks' worth of very serious conversations. things aren't getting better or worse; simply unfolding. we had a moment today where we looked at each other and i was actually afraid for a second he might cry, or that i might cry. it sucks to be so worried about a job. h put it best, I guess, simply: "this is what happens in a depression. people get depressed."

since it has been just the two of us, things have been 100 times better between us, 1000 times better than imagined. we make a good team; whatever strange energy exists between us translates well to the store. a regular said today, while observing us work: "you guys are really cute today." and it feels good, almost like dancing.

the weather has been warm (is it sad I'm referring to 30 and 40 degree days as warm?) and it has been making me so happy. i'm still so in love with this city, and despite everything there are moments every day where i catch myself and think, "wow, I live here."

there are a lot of other things going on. i guess. i sit on the train, listening to modest mouse and feeling something almost crushing inside of me. something unnamed, unknown. this feeling makes me think that someday i will produce something very beautiful, but very sad.

my heart stopped beating but my blood was still alive

2009-02-09T10:22:00.000-08:00

mason jennings. mogwai. ugly cassanova. the kills, specifically "black balloon" and the video for it, over and over and over.

things happened at work on friday that have left me shaken& scared, unsure of my future for the very first time. i've got fight in me for sure, but i'm afraid of another situation in which i give everything for a company that will only fuck me in the end.

have spent my days off in low key fashion: wandering around, etc. I'm enjoying exploring Astoria and was extremely excited to find a "little mexico" here, complete with.. BREAKFAST TACOS. I've yet to try them, but just the fact that they are there helps me sleep a little easier at night.

besides work, things are okay for me. i'm becoming more at ease. i'm making progress on my apartment. the days are ever so slightly warmer and sunnier. i'm not worrying about boys (too much). i'm reading more. i'm getting lost less. i lost 13 more lbs.

however, a lot of my friends are going through hard times for various reasons, and my mortal inability to make things magically better is frustrating. i just want to wrap you all up in love.

goodnight/ bad morning

2009-02-06T12:38:00.000-08:00

After sweeping and mopping, taking out the trash, moving the pile of clothes from the living room to the bedroom, painting one wall and one section of trim, I decided I'd done enough work for the day.

Into the city now, for some rambling around. There are loose plans to celebrate a friend's birthday, but I'm not exactly sure if that's going to come about.

I've been thinking a lot about this past December. My life is so much back to normal now; I'm obsessing about stupid things and being silly and running around like crazy. It wasn't that long ago (it really really wasn't) that my whole life was wrapped up in an uncomfortable chair in a cold room and whether or not someone would open their eyes, and if she would know me when she did. It seems so strange to me, that six weeks later, I've forgotten everything I learned in that room.

I wonder about the other girl, the one that wasn't lucky. She's six weeks away from losing her mother. Surely she isn't back to normal. Surely she's wishing she were me.

Today

2009-01-25T18:05:00.000-08:00

And there it was in my stomach, suddenly, in the middle of my
afternoon shift. The poisonous uncertainty, the weight of doubt.

I've made a mistake.
I can't do this.
I want to go home.

All of my favorite springs slowly wash through my memories. I'm
standing in the kitchen, grasping to hold onto an intangible thing: a
feeling of calm, the beautiful sunlight, the smell of cedar and
pavement.

this is why

2009-01-12T20:23:00.000-08:00

I love my life, and my friends. Because I get to ask/answer questions such as these:

"How many jokes did you buy from that bum?"

"Can I collect unemployment and still be a phone sex worker?"

Adiós 2008

2009-01-04T13:11:00.000-08:00

What a year.

I started off in a kind of holding pattern; three months into a job I
wasn't taking seriously; knowing it was time for <i>something</i> but
not sure exactly what.
I channeled my boredom into yoga and macrobiotics. I made a weight
loss bet with C. I cooked an insane 7 course meal for valentines. The
world continued to spin.
And then in late February a casual phone conversation with my mother
turned into an honest-to-god plane ticket to NYC.
I went into SXSW knowing it was probably my last year, and I was bored
as shit (as usual). My morning jacket DID rock me so hard I couldn't
hear right for a week, and that was with earplugs. The film fest
highlight was having to awkwardly sit through the opening of
Forgetting Sarah Marshall with Jason Segel standing right next to me.
In May I visited NY and subsequently decided to move. I got promoted
the day I got back and took the job (somewhat guiltily) anyway. Summer
was a blur of getting ready: both doing Austin things for the last
time AND preparing for my new life.
My brother got married somewhere in there and my niece had her first
birthday party.
On Aug 31 I left, I really really left.
I got the job I wanted and I moved into the apartment I wanted. I felt
all those cliché things... Like I was finally really truly alive, etc.
My grandmother passed away in early October. My mom called me when it
was time and I had to try and sum up a whole life's worth of love and
gratitude in a few sobbed sentences. At her funeral I felt her there
and felt released from grief, but I still miss her every day.
The day before Halloween a train wreck of a new friendship came to
it's ugly conclusion. I was depressed about it for a month... So my
birthday and thanksgiving passed without fanfare. I started hanging
out with work friends. I pulled myself back up.
Then on December 2 my mom went into the hospital, and the world
stopped spinning.
I spent most of december in an ICU room, hanging on every mechanical
breath. They told me I would lose her, and I became an adult. The next
day she woke up.
I came back to NY having fully been put through the emotional wringer.
I celebrated christmas with work friends and made some bad decisions.
I finished out 2008 with a lot of regret.
I welcomed the new year with cascading balloons and confetti and my
morning jacket covering kool and the gang. 'Twas perfect.

My wishes for 2009 are simple:
To be healthy and happy
To not take people for granted
To live a life I am proud of
To be free of regret
And the big one--
To welcome 2010 as a grown-up; a real live woman

Disconnected thoughts

2008-12-12T13:06:00.001-08:00

In the space between the in and out of your breathing machine, I hear
the sound of What Love Is.

I beg you to open your eyes; you squeeze them tighter.
Your hand is still in mine.

I pace the halls and wonder, which one of us is really dying? Which
one of us is already dead?

One foot in front of the other, back and forth, the dying and the dead.

Thursday (I think)

2008-12-11T10:20:00.001-08:00

Just ate the greasiest breakfast in the history of time. Oh Texas.

I only leave her room for the three hours she gets her blood
treatment, because you know how I am about blood treatments.

Things are looking a bit better from yesterday, there is nothing to do
but wait and hope at this point, which is a horrible place to be in.

You hope you win the lottery. You hope the train is on time. You hope
that H&M has that coat in your size.
You don't hope that your mom magically wakes up and doesn't die.
And really what I mean by that is, I feel like this should be pinned
to something beyond just hope.

She's been in the ICU for over a week now. She has 9 different
doctors. This is the year 2008, where we can clone things and shoot
rich people into space and repair cleft palates and whiten teeth
overnight. So why in the fuck can't someone fix this? It's not cancer,
it's not AIDS, it's not any obscure and uncureable disease.
I just don't get it, and unfortunately, it seems like there are no
answers to be had.

Hanging in there..

2008-12-10T11:43:00.001-08:00

It definitely speaks volumes about my roots/upbringing that my idea of
comfort food is chips & salsa, chile rellenos, enchiladas suizas,
tacos and margaritas. Preferably served on a plastic table with tejano
playing in the background.

i went to the hospital

2008-12-09T18:22:00.000-08:00

my mom isn't doing well.

and that is all there is be said.

Home, again.

2008-12-08T15:57:00.001-08:00

Somewhere between NY and GA I realized I've done more flying in the
last 8 months than I have in the last 8 years.

It's almost 6 here; I've been on a place since 9:40 (cst) this
morning. The night is typical Texas winter... Cloudy, cool, a bit of a
breeze. From the morning I left up north, though, this is shorts and
tank top weather (a fellow traveler who must be a first-timer is
echoing my sentiments loudly nearby). It's lovely, even if the reason
I'm seeing it is horrible.

My mom isn't doing well, in fact I found out yesterday she isn't even
considered stable. I got on the very first plane I possibly could, I
didn't pack, I didn't brush my teeth, I didn't do anything except fill
a backpack with things to do at the hospital.

I somewhat optimistically booked a return flight for Thursday.
Hopefully I'll be able to make it, and return to new york with good
news.

Oh sweet tree

2008-12-06T05:55:00.000-08:00

Last night was a bizarre girls' night out that included jess, a drunk
andrea and a random punk girl. We went to wmsburg, which I'm ashamed
to admit I'm kinda falling in love with.
It was a good (if early) night, and on my way home I was on the L with
Kristen Schaal, fuck yes.
At like 3 am a drunken lesbian and her friend scared the shit out of
me by crawling into my bed, and it was so much like 2003 that I
thought I was dreaming. (I wasn't)

Yes, I AM making fun of you!

2008-12-04T19:38:00.001-08:00

We were excited to find out that the $3 we had this morning has
suddenly become $10!
Where oh where to spend it? We want salty pistachio soft serve from
Momofuku Bakery + Milk Bar, but instead we're going to be responsible...

...and spend it on booze.

Just when things weren't sucking..

2008-12-03T21:37:00.000-08:00

So as I was trapped on a W train on my way to work this am, I got a
call from my mom's bf, informing me he had taken her to the hospital.

He's old and kind of confused himself, so he couldn't actually give me
ANY information, just that it was something related to either her
pancreas or gallstones. Or something. Maybe.

I've become one of those people who doesn't trust hospitals.

It wasn't the time they put an IV in my arm incorrectly and refused to
take it out until my arm had doubled in size, nor was it the time they
fucked up my surgery leaving me with a painful infection and scar
tissue. It wasn't even the time I was turned away from emergency care
I needed for being unable to pay.

It was when my friend Wally went in feeling unwell only to find out he
had leukemia, and was given a positive diagnosis and high probability
of beating it, and then was dead from a heart attack less than twelve
hours later.

So when I get news like this, even if the outlook is maybe not so
grim, all I can think of is: is this it?

"if you can read this, it's because my fucking sweater fell off."

2008-12-03T08:40:00.000-08:00

Ok, first of all, I feel like I've already written about this for like
5 posts too many. Oh well.

Pretty much the exact same thing happened to A on Monday, except she
received a verbose and slightly dramatic email in place of a text.
Same sentiment, though.

So after commiserating in typical BFF style (what the fuck, how lame,
what a loser, omg) and a giggly conversation reimagining our
respective responses to both boys, we came to the conclusion they
actually kind of did us a favor.

We also both decided that the concept of internet dating, by it's very
nature, caters to introverted people with no social skills.

She's going to join me on my quest for good Thai, and until we meet
someone worthwhile in this city, we'll always have each other-- and
late nights spent laughing at CL casual encounters posts.

...WHAT?!

It can't all be wedding cake...

2008-12-02T21:44:00.001-08:00

Oh, Spoon.

We used to exist in the same space, and I almost ran Britt over with
my car like 3 seperate times (his fault twice, mine once). When they
started "getting big" and everyone and their mom liked them, I
pretended to hate them just for the fuck of it. I used to (true story)
kick Britt in the shins every time I saw him at a club/party.

Now I whenever I listen to them (even the new album) I get that warm
nostalgic feeling inside for the Austin that used to be, and it feels
a bit like going home.

Also, some unrelated notes:
To men on dating sites everywhere:
If you are doughy, pudgy, chunky, or heavy-set, do NOT select the word
"athletic" to describe your body type. If you're too insecure to just
check "fat", then leave it blank, yo.
To s.: quit being so adorable!
To the MTA: you're ruining my life!!!

N train, on the way to work

2008-12-02T08:28:00.000-08:00

My two favorite recent quotes:
A: Well, never trust a guy with two first names.
J: I don't know, it sounds like this guy sucks cocks on purpose.

I dreamed last night about eating a ton of vegetables, which I think
is clearly a cry for help from my body. My diet lately has pretty much
been alcohol and espresso, with an occasional sandwich thrown in. I'm
dying to go back to macrobiotics for a bit, but the holiday season is
the absolute worst time for that! Oh well, soon.

I've also realized that perhaps it's too soon after certain awful
things happened to me (s'only been a month, after all) to try and
start dating, even casually. I think I'm more damaged than
I'm aware of and need to figure that out first.
Which is ok, because that means I can focus allllllll my energy on
finding a favorite Thai restaurant, and also more burger and dive bar
research for cody's visit.

I'd like to conclude by saying that having to get off the train during
peak hours of a market day is up there in my least favorite things of
all time.

tree sellers

2008-12-01T20:26:00.000-08:00

there's always a silver (or funny) lining:

on the way home from moping downtown, L and I make several stops:

1. the dollar store, where "they say you should watch out for your valuables, and I kinda believe it."

2. the apple store, in search of a certain David Simpson, whom no one has ever heard of (though I swear he exists)

3. rite aid- THEY DO NOT SELL GLITTER.

4. the christmas tree guys on the corner, with whom i immediately make friends. their names are olivier and gabe, they are only here for the month from Montreal and they are taking shifts sleeping in a van parked on the corner. they try to sell us two trees and ask if they can use our shower. of course we say yes. L says to me, "this is why I love you, because you meet the guys who sell christmas trees and get their whole life stories."

Equal parts amused and confused

2008-12-01T16:04:00.001-08:00

After a very significant event occured last night, I woke up excited
for a coffee and movie date. Unfortunately, I suppose the day would
have been better spent downloading music in my pajamas at home...

Things went well enough (or so I thought) and then I get a text
message an hour later informing me that despite our "intense sexual
chemistry" it just wasn't "there [for him] to date". WTF? I guess I'm
lucky I got any kind of notice at all, but I'm seriously confused.

What more is there to "dating" besides either having sexual chemistry
or not? Am I missing something? Was I expected to make him fall in
love with me instantly over iced lattes and James Bond? Were we
already expected to have a relationship beyond being flirty and
getting to know each other? What's wrong with just casually hanging
out? We didn't even discuss anything of substance, how does he know me well enough to make that call anyway?

And IF he was feeling this way the whole time, exactly WHAT was the
point of kissing me fiercely at the train station, of asking if I'd be
available for hanging out later? Why not just an awkward hug, a
mumbled goodbye, or at least the classic: "maybe i'll see you around."
good lord, I would have even preferred a nice "it's not you, it's me"
to this mixed-signal-fuckery. Butttttttt, anyway.

I would say that this sucks, but I don't think that's fair of me, for two reasons:
A. Thanks to certain mutual friends, I knew to expect this from him to
begin with.
-and-
B. This is what I wanted, after all, the ups and the downs; the whole
experience. And honestly, I feel a bit rejected, yes, but mostly I'm
just relieved. As in, thank god THAT'S over with. Ok, what's next?

I'm consoling myself with momofuku bakery, t.rex, pommes frites (the
site of the epic porn-for-fries trade), eagles of death metal and
whisky in the EV.

Which, luckily for me, has the highest concentration of beautiful
people of any other neighborhood in manhattan.

The night is cold but also young, and I swear to god I just saw the
hands of the clock move ever so slightly backwards.

hah

2008-12-01T07:26:00.000-08:00

So, I wonder out of the 25 times my profile has been viewed, how many times was it me?

Such a narcissist!

"I was a nerd... A party nerd."

2008-11-30T08:10:00.000-08:00

At 7b last night, when S gave me this look out of the corner of his
eye, all at once it all made sense. He looks like F, he talks like F,
he moves like F, he likes the same music and has the same hobbies.
Which was a strange realization, because if I'm really over it (I am)
and if it wasn't that great to begin with (it wasn't), then why I am I
still looking for him, even in the most subconcious way?
Ah, whatever. Figuring this out made me get over it, which is probably
the best idea I've had yet.

In my wandering last night, I ended up in a place I shouldn't have
been, a place I definitely shouldn't have been alone in the dark. I
handled it ok, though, all by myself, and felt good about it later. A
lot of things that used to make me tremble now just make me sick,
funny how that works. I'm sure that one day, instead of making me
sick, they will just make me laugh. That day will be awesome.

No one belongs here more that you

2008-11-29T16:59:00.000-08:00

I clearly have a lot on my mind today!

My recent bad habits mean that I've now lost enough weight that all of
my clothes just slightly don't fit; not enough to justify buying new
ones, but more than enough to be annoying.

I'm exploring TriBeCa on what feels like the most still and quiet
Saturday evening that has ever happened. Maybe it's just the
neighborhood?
I walk past a diner and a busboy smiles and waves at me through the
glass, like I'm his friend, and I smile and wave back because that's
exactly the kind of random shit I love to do.

Espresso and Miranda July at a nice cafe on Greenwich, then back out
into a night that will most surely involve dancing.

Taking heartache with hard work

2008-11-29T05:41:00.000-08:00

The only good thing about having to go to work so early in the cold is
that there are cheese grits and espresso waiting for me when I get
there.

Last night was Beaujolais at hicks st, followed by Guiness at abilene.
It was good to see A and swap stories of homesickness. He delivered a
fabulous birthday present all the way from Austin, which I love and
can't wait to hang up at home.

Tonight I have vague plans with andrea, k and pnb, who are quite
unexpectedly becoming much-loved friends.

I've been thinking a lot about that concept lately: how when you meet
someone, you never know what they are going to end up meaning to you.
You could casually be introduced to someone at a show only to have
that person later become your best friend.

It's fascinating, and lovely, to later find out what the important
days are.

The match of the century: absence vs. thin air

2008-11-28T16:59:00.000-08:00

Ohhh, 27. Dinner with friends, shots of whisky at king's head tavern,
glasses (and door frames) broken at beauty bar. Questionable decisions
were made, and not just by me. S leans close while dancing and says
"if this is gonna continue, you have to accept the fact that I'm tall"
and confuses me all night.
Thanksgiving was made up of a giant hangover... It felt kind of sad to
not be cooking a fantastic meal for the first time in four years, but
maybe I needed the break. Ash invited me to family dinner at chestnut,
and as much as I wanted to go, I couldn't make it.
Work has been good, and I have a lot going on in the coming weeks. On
my way to Brooklyn now for what will surely be good times. The only
thing that would make this week more rock-and-roll is if there were
actual drugs involved!

My two pieces of advice for life are:
1. Never send naked pictures of yourself to ANYONE
and
2. Always have a plan B.

My plan B frequently involves going to brooklyn. Maybe I should start
making it plan A!

Feeling good

2008-11-26T08:37:00.001-08:00

I wonder exactly how many times s. Meyer listened to "feeling good" by
muse while writing twilight.

Speaking of, I'm turning 27 in an epic way... Started the day off with
radiohead and mimosas, now on my way to see movie of aforementioned
book.

Letting go, part 1 of 3: a letter

2008-11-25T20:58:00.001-08:00

Dear sir,

I've had a lot of time to think about things. About the situation in
general, about everything that was said or not said, about your
actions and mine. (I wanted to actually write and send this to you
before I realized it wouldn't make a difference really, and also I
don't owe you anything, not even the courtesy of hate mail.)
I think you are the very worst kind of person, and you don't deserve
any of the small amount of happiness or friends that you have.
I'm sorry I ever met you; I'm definitely sorry I cared about you, and
I hope I never see you again. I don't even want to hear your name. You
are worse than dead to me: you don't even exist.
What you don't yet realize is that this city is mine. This is the
world I absolutely belong in. You may have almost succeeded in taking
that away, but I'm better than you, stronger than you. I won't let you
destroy me.

This will be the last time you are spoken of. good luck being
miserable, asshole.

2008-11-18T20:07:00.001-08:00

It occurred to me during a particularly bleary-eyed train ride the
other morning that I've never actually dated. I'm not counting the
string of "friends" I had in my early twenties... It was all about sex
and that was fine at that time. But I've never actually done this
whole dating thing.. I've either been in a relationship or I haven't.
There's been none of the obsessing over who should call first or when.
None of the exchanging flirty messages via dating websites and trying
to decide if x boy is worth meeting in real life. None of the casual,
let's-just-hang-out-to-see-if-I-actually-like-you meetings for drinks/
coffee.
So that also means I haven't experienced the other side, like what if
the boy you've been furiously texting for two weeks flakes on plans
twice and then is never heard from again?
What if you meet someone you like, but they are somehow damaged? What
do you do?
So I think I decided, in the spirit of enjoying all of the experiences
of life, I'm just going to casually date for awhile and see what it's
like.
Oh who am I kidding, it probably sucks.

2008-11-14T19:03:00.000-08:00

Starting to feel better (maybe). Still having nightmares every single
night and still jumping at every noise, every shadow, but functioning
almost at a normal level again. Got a bed and some furniture and that
really helped a gigantic amount. I feel more at home, which is
important.
Things are coming together at work and that has been a big help also.
It's easy for me to focus on, and working so hard has really been
wearing me out, which is ok.
I still definitely need to get some help, to talk to a professional,
but right now i'm in such a headspace that I'm having trouble even
forming thoughts about what happened, let alone words. I guess that's
forgiveable for right now. I've gotten to the point where I forget he
even exists, and then I see his name somewhere and get creeped out all
over again... But I don't know if that will ever go away.
As long as I don't see him, and I don't think I will, I should be ok.

So

2008-11-11T23:12:00.001-08:00

It finally happened.
Last night coming home from bumming around Astoria all day, I was
standing at the corner of the bqe and steinway and I felt it, I knew,
that this feeling I have for this city is no mere crush, but real and
true love.
I almost started crying with happiness as I crossed the highway,
headed home.

Day off

2008-11-10T10:09:00.000-08:00

Since I've been "sick", I've been putting off a lot of the things that
need to be done, which all unfortunately culminate in a quite busy day
off for me. Haircut, post office, kinkos, paint store, library instead
of a late lunch at triskell followed by central park and a movie, le
sigh.

2008-11-06T15:37:00.000-08:00

So when I moved to Austin, I took great pride and comfort in the
Capitol, for whatever reason. I spent many a lonely and sick night
sitting in it's shadow, and it always made me feel better. It never
let me down.
In new york, a city of countless beautiful buildings and famous
landmarks, that hole is filled for me by the Flatiron building. More
than the Empire State building, more than the Chrysler building, the
Flatiron says to me "it's gonna be ok, because you are here, and you
are home."
Luckily I work in lower midtown (or upper downtown, as my boss likes
to call it) and get to walk past it twice a day. Never gets old.

I'm sitting in Madison square park right now, underneath a foggy,
misty sky. There is some kind of weird light art thing going on, and
it's just kind of gorgeous and autumn all around.

In case my earlier posts weren't a clue, someone I considered a good
friend took advantage of me in the worst possible way, and now I have
that pain and turmoil to deal with on top of everything else. The
repercussions of this have yet to be fully realized, and with each
passing day things seem to get more and more fucked up.

Even now, though, at the very worst and hardest time of my life since
F, I can feel the city humming within me; slowly, methodically
stitching me up.

Who named the days?

2008-11-04T15:03:00.001-08:00

Piece by piece, I cut you out of my heart.
Now I am reclaiming everything that is mine. Astoria park, the
hellgate, the village, trembling blue stars.
I finally picked up the pile of clothes and washed everything that
smelled like you.
I may have let you break me, but I won't spend a single second more
crying over you or wishing things were different. You're most
definitely going to die alone and sad and that's the best revenge I
could hope for. However, congratulations are in order: you made it to
#4 on my top 5 list of biggest cocksuckers of all time, and I've only
known you since September.

...now if I only had the balls to say all this to your face.

Sooooo my life right now:

2008-11-04T12:31:00.001-08:00

1. I love you. I never hurt you on purpose.
2. I don't care.
1. Whatever happens in the end, I don't wanna lose you as my friend.
2. I promise, I will never be your friend. No matter what. Ever.

Law of the Universe #16

2008-10-25T10:16:00.000-07:00

If you draw a skull and crossbones on your hand and fall asleep, you
will wake up with a skull and crossbones on your face.
Then you will walk down to the post office and wonder why everyone is
staring at you.

2008-10-23T20:46:00.001-07:00

My brain is the weak heart; my heart is the long stairs

2008-10-22T09:15:00.001-07:00

I fell apart. It was NY that swept me up, put me back together.
The past week has been dizzying; cupcakes and good times in
Williamsburg, the first real sign of autumn, long walks around the
village, falling asleep on the couch, new friends, etc etc.
Oh city, I'm so sorry I doubted you, if even for a second.

damaged bad at best

2008-10-18T11:39:00.000-07:00

Oh, I always want to listen to the Microphones around this time of year. Unfortunately I'm without real live computer access, so I have to make due with the Back to Black (winehouse) and Z (mmj) that I have on my iphone.

It's been a rough three weeks.

I've had two-- that's right, two!-- nervous breakdowns this week.

Just trying to be a good-hearted and healthy, whole adult human being, and am discovering bit by bit that perhaps I don't have the equipment?

now there's acid in my heart

2008-10-15T14:28:00.000-07:00

So I made my first New York mistake.
Congratulations, it was you.

Law #16

2008-10-09T17:43:00.001-07:00

When having a tough time in life, go to a fabulous party.

you won't get hurt if you just keep your hands up

2008-10-08T16:50:00.000-07:00

The weeks no longer hold seven shapes and names,
there is only the with you and without you;
the before i met you and the after.

2008-10-06T16:47:00.001-07:00

Oh wow, the stewardess just said "Welcome to Hotlanta."

2008-10-06T13:29:00.001-07:00

"You are the hottest mess I've ever seen!" - Cody

Headed home

2008-10-06T11:11:00.001-07:00

Woke up feeling nothing, just a certain emptiness. And the strong
desire to see my city from the sky.

funeral

2008-10-05T20:48:00.000-07:00

on the way home, radiohead's "all I need" is playing on the car stereo and I lean out the window to touch the grass waving on the side of the road. the moon is a thin crescent; the night is clear. i feel anything but sad.